It's Not Easy Folks

Me:  I love you!
#2:  I love you more....except today.  You made me made today, so you might love me a little more today, but just today. 

....well...it's that just dandy.  At least the kid is honest.  I mean, if we're being honest, I'm sure there are days that they love me more.  

Or how about how Hubby went to buy carrots for their lunch....
#2:  Yeah, I don't really want any more carrots in my lunch.
Me:  Why is that?
#2:  I don't really like them.  The ones at school are different.
#3:  Yeah, like they're clean.  I don't think Daddy cleaned them.
Me:  I'm sure he cleaned them.
#3:  No....I'm pretty sure I ate some dirt.
#2:  I think it's because the carrots at school aren't cold.
Me:  We keep them in the fridge.
#2:  Well, they're not freezing cold at school.
#3:  And the bags are small.....Daddy bought the big bag.
Me:  Do you just not want carrots in your lunch?
#2 and #3:  YES! 

Soooo....yesterday, I got the most wonderful birthday present from Hubby and the #s...they gave me the rest of our sectional sofa....and it's being delivered tomorrow and my wedding ring is gonna be fixed on Monday. 

Yeah, about that.....see, I have a habit....let's say "had" a habit.... of hitting my hand.....it's not the best habit....mostly cuz it happens when I'm mad.  Okay....it only happens when I'm mad.  I first cracked my band when I was teaching high school choir.  The choir kiddos weren't doing something right that I had taught them over and over and over and I slammed my hand on the piano to get their attention.  There is no way I could let them see the pain.  You know that pain that makes you feel tingles all over your body as your body turns red in a matter of seconds.  I could felt like I could feel every part of me that was moving on the inside of my body.  I finished the class as I felt my legs wanting to give way to the pain from my hand.  When class was over, I looked down and, not only had a cracked my wedding band, but my skin was between the broken piece.  It was miserable.  The next time I cracked my ring....well, I was mad about something....we'll just leave it at that (not all stories need to be told, right?).  And then this time?  I actually have no clue how it broke.  I was waving and dancing my hands around while I was teaching...and I heard a rattle.  The only thing I could think was "well at least I'm not mad".

Now, you might not know this, but I'm cheap.  My ring was broken around April...and there was no way that I could wear it or I would lose the jewel.  It's been on my shelf since then.  After a few days of not wearing a ring, I went in my fake jewelry box and found something that would work.  I've been wearing it all summer and I keep telling Hubby that I've got to get it fixed.  So he surprised me by getting it fixed on Monday.  YAY!!!!! 

Today wasn't near as good as yesterday's wake up time......
Hubby:  Time to get up!
#3:  I don't wanna get up.
Hubby  You've got to get up....it's school. 
#3:  I don't wanna go to school. 
.....well, one day a year IS something to look forward to! 

This afternoon our meltdown started in the gym as we were leaving.  Nice to see that it's getting more public.  I was afraid that it would always be "behind closed door" meltdowns and nobody would get to see me struggle as #3 gets stronger and more defiant, but today proved wrong.  (That would be called sarcasm.)

Hubby was kind enough to offer for me to drop him off at the church building with him, but #3 refused.  We also had a fabulous time as we struggled through spelling and math homework, dealt with him spitting at #2 in the shower, and then trying to choke #2 (yeah, #2 probably had it coming to him....he can get "break your wedding ring" mad too). 

It's not easy folks.  There are days that I'm just ticked off and having #3 go through meltdowns makes me question if I'm doing anything right. That was today.  Where things go wrong.  People say the wrong things to you....or you just take it wrong.  Life just doesn't seem fair (and I tell the kiddos all the time that life ISN'T fair...a fair is where you ride rides and eat cotton candy).  And all you want to do is sit and cry...but you can't because you don't want your kiddos to think they've done anything wrong. 

Tonight has ended with #3 "zoning out".  He told me that sometimes he does that at school and he doesn't know why.  He said that when he zones out, nobody is in the room with him and sometimes it scares him.  Great....another thing to worry about......

So, as I write this with tears streaming down my face, I know I've got a great God who has given me the support team to help #3.  Hubby and the #s are the best things to ever happen to #3.  I see the love that they have for him....the absolute unconditional love.  I see the medical team that we have for #3....I see the brilliance that God gave them and the passion the help him and I also see the support that they give us to help make decisions for #3.  I see our church as a group of completely compassionate individuals....ones who don't judge when we have a meltdown that we're going through or a complete defiance episode going on....and people that pray for him continually. 

And why do I go public with this?  Not for prayers.  Not for compliments.  Not for sympathy.  Not to embarrass anybody.  But to help someone else that might be going through this....whether you are the adult or the child.  You didn't cause this....it's a testimony.  I always thought "man, I don't have a good testimony cuz I grew up in church and then my dad planned youth events".  Little did I know that my adult life was a testimony that would show the greatness of God more than I could ever imagine.  I absolutely cannot imagine my life without the valleys that I've gone through because those valleys have made the mountaintops that much more enjoyable and praise worthy.  I end tonight a little mushy....but I want to go spend some snuggle time in our life by numbers!