It Was a Long Ride Home.....

You've got to know #2 before this story will make sense to you.  He breathes sports.  I'm not talking about he "likes" to play or he plays in his free time.  I'm talking this kid has played with a football, basketball or soccer ball since he's been out of the womb.  We have a basketball goal in our den so he can play when it's cold.  The kid has been in our driveway playing basketball when it's snowing.  He longs for sports.  He dreams sports.  He eats sports.  He talks about sports.  I mean, the kid does sports as much as I do music.  I never thought I'd have an athlete for a child.  I've been worried about how I'd do with a sports guy....but I feel like I've done pretty well....he goes to every rehearsal practice, he performs plays at every game and he wears the costume uniform proudly!  See....I'm learning!

And #2 is competitive.  Now, he's got a heart of gold, but that competitive nature is just a tad bit on the jagged side.  He competes on who pees the longest, the fastest, and who can go for distance.  He competes on how much he can eat, how fast he can do things, how long he can hold his breath.....it's crazy....but I'm a little (cough, cough, wink, wink) competitive too, so it's fun to watch.

Fast forward to today.....#2's team is playing against his friends.  I always dread when he plays against his friends because, well, I want them to win (obviously), but I want to teach #2 good sportsmanship.  #2 and I pray before every game and we always talk about how he's got to have fun cuz if he's not having fun and it's only about winning, then he doesn't need to play anymore.  See where I'm headed?!?!!?!

They lost.  It was heartbreaking.  I mean, I wanted to cry at the end of the game.  But I remember when they lost a few games last year and I remember him coming off the field and still smiling and saying that he did his best and it's just a game....and we'd walk off smiling, holding hands while figuring out where we were going to eat.  Can you see where I'm headed now?!?!!??!

#2 is walking off the field and bursts into tears.  WHAT?!?!!?  He buries his head into my stomach and I'm speechless....
Me:  Are you still having fun?
#2:  Yes.
Me:  Do you still like football?
#2:  I love playing football.
Me:  Then what's the matter?
#2:  I also like to win.
....and cue more tears.  I wasn't expecting this....at eight years old.  I don't know if I would expect this type of heartbreak from him at twenty-eight years old either.

So we drive home....
Me:  Wanna talk?
#2 shrugs his shoulders.
Me:  Want advice?
#2 shrugs his shoulders.
Me:  Want the radio on?
#2 shrugs his shoulders.
Me:  Eventually you will have to talk.
#2:  I just don't want to talk about it.
....and that car ride took forever.  He just stared at the window in complete silence....and I realized that for the first time ever, I couldn't make this any better.  I couldn't make him laugh.  I couldn't make him talk to me about what was bothering him.  I felt completely helpless.  Useless.  Empty.

We got home and #2 took a shower and went to bed.  He didn't want to eat.  Even the brothers knew something was wrong if this kid isn't eating.  He didn't want to tell us goodnight.  He just wanted to be alone.  What is happening!?!?!?!?  Why can't I fix this!?!?!?  And then I realized.....

I'm not going to be able to fix everything for my #s.  There are times that I'm going to have to step back and let life happen.  I'm going to have to be there for the #s, but I can't make them do things or make them feel a certain way.  I'm going to see them fail and not be able to fix it.  I'm going to see them lose and not be able to comfort like I could when they were six years old.  Ice cream and a tickle fight aren't going to change the outcome of how they feel when things don't go their way.  And that scares the heck outta me.  It scares me that there will be days that I can't change their path, but I can pray hard for them to change.  It scares me that they won't need me to fix their boo-boos.  It scares me that sometimes I'm just gonna hear them cry and yet I won't be able to do anything about what they're crying about.

And tonight is just the beginning.  I couldn't change the outcome of the game.  I couldn't make him laugh.  I couldn't make him see that losing this game should make him stronger, smarter, and faster.  I couldn't comfort him in his anger or through his tears.  The only thing I could do was sit in the room with him.  No words were spoken.  No laughter was had.  No "I love yous" were said....

....but maybe, just maybe I didn't need to say a word.  Maybe he didn't need to laugh.  Maybe the words "I love you" were shown when he snuggled up next to me and feel sound asleep.....sound asleep in our life by numbers.