It's Real Folks...Ugly Real.

I've been really leery about making this post.  Mostly cuz I don't want anybody to think "oh my goodness, she's turned this into a selling tactic...I'm never going to read it again".  Cuz trust me, if someone was writing about something and then all of the sudden went political on me, I'd totally shut them out.  And no, I'm not going political...I'll leave my thoughts about how ridiculous both candidates are and how I can't believe that anybody is really cheering for either one of them, but I know that we need to vote cuz we have the right and privilege to vote for the leader of our country, but I am not worried about our country cuz I believe that God knows exactly what will happen and in the end, I'll end up with Him in Heaven anyway...see how I left that all aside (can you imagine if I actually wrote a post about it)...

There are a lot of things that I love to do....I love to be with my family...I love to teach children music...I love to sing...I love to teach kiddos about Jesus...I like to organize...I like to clean...I like to be at home...did you notice the difference?  Love versus like?  Ponder that a minute....

I am loud.  I can be obnoxious.  I am a Type-A personality.  I am passionate about things I believe in.  I will fight for my family.  I can hold grudges.  I am dedicated to my very small group of friends.  I believe in miracles.  I have a completely low, below ground level, negative self esteem.  I am not a morning person.  Yeah, you read that correctly.  I started to try to change myself since I was sixteen years old....trying to lose weight, changing make-up techniques, changing clothes a million times before I went out anymore...it's been an emotional roller coaster since high school.  I wanted to "fit in"....but didn't really know where to fit in cuz I was friends with all kinds of people.  All kinds of people that seemed confident in themselves.  

So when I couldn't ever get comfortable with myself and what I looked like, I threw myself into whatever I was passionate about at the time....and music was always one of those passions for me.  I became that loud, crazy music teacher...one that put so much time and energy into making sure her room was full of fun (and perfect), that I kinda pushed myself to the side.  I didn't worry about what I wore because those loud, crazy colors that I put in my clothes covered the sadness.

And I'm sure I wasn't the easiest person to live with (do I hear Hubby shouting "amen")...I needed constant assurance that Hubby loved me.  I would ask all the time.  I would ask what I looked like in the clothes I was wearing.  I dyed my hair a different color.  I changed just to see if I would eventually find what he loved the most. And when we argued, I would ask for days if he still loved me.  I mean, seriously...who can live with that and be happy!?!??!?!?  I needed for me to be happy with me. 

Then something hit me a few years ago...I decided I was going to do something about me.  I decided to ask my elementary friend about what in the world she was doing to not only lose weight, but to be happy.  And that's when she introduced me to Advocare.  Of course, I thought this was going to be another roller coaster diet that I had already been on, but something was different...and that difference was me.  The Type-A, passionate, dedicated woman came out in me and I decided to jump in with both feet.  And I did.  And I worked it.  And it worked.  So here's the truth....here's the part of me that wants to get down and cry...but here are my differences...

...you might not can tell a difference...but that skirt was hiding a lot of "stuff" cuz I felt so uncomfortable wearing pants on stage that day.  And if you know me, I can't stand to wear skirts...but I had to...I needed to...it was easier to hide everything.  And now?  I LOVE to dress up in costumes and I can cuz I can fit into a regular adult size costume now.  

Have there been ups and downs?  Absolutely.  But I keep at it because I know it works.  I feel better.  I feel more self confident.  Will I ever be that 120 pound model?  No.  Would I like to be?  Uh, yeah...but I'm beginning to be a lot more self confident in who God made me instead of how I think He should made me.  

Fast forward to last year when I was combing the beauty products at Meijer looking for something to get rid of my wrinkles around my eyes.  I mean, with my big and bold personality, I called them smile and laugh lines, but they were starting to make me feel like I was looking older than I really was.  People told me about all kinds of things to try...do you know how many Pinterest "beauty help" pins there are!?!?!?  So I jumped in with this thing called Rodan+Fields.  I'll be honest, I wasn't thinking anything would really work, but this friend kept saying that it would work and she gave me a discount in buying it and told me I could send it back if it didn't work in 60 days.  I thought "for that price, I better be able to send it back".  When I got this box of stuff, there was a sticker that told me to take a picture before I started.  WOW!  These people are pretty self confident that their product was going to work...to make me look better.  So I took a picture of myself and was like "awwww....I'm liking that picture....I might use it as a facebook profile pic".  I took a picture 30 days later and was straining to see the difference.  I kept thinking that I knew this wasn't going to work and I need to focus on other things instead of making myself look good.  I mean, how vain can I be?!?!?!?  And then I took my picture at 60 days...ready to send this junk back...and then I saw my differences...

And then I did something else...something that changed me for the better...something that changed me on the inside...something that changed my heart...I started reading the Bible.  I don't mean devotionals (though, those are amazing)...I mean, I started at Genesis 1:1 and I read every night.  It started to calm me.  It started to comfort me.  I read about all the people in the Bible and how they were far from perfect, yet God loved them.  I read about how people complained that God didn't do this or that for them, but God took care of them.  I also realized that God didn't get into specifics about how people in the Bible looked...the focus is not on their physical appearance, but their heart.  I read how God makes people in His image...and I need to realize that God made me.  He took the time to make me just the way He did from my eye color to my pinky toe.  I also realized that I can work on myself.  I can and need to focus on myself at times so I can be a positive person and not someone with such horrible self-esteem that lets their appearance overtake what I was truly created for.

I always said I wasn't going to be the mom that focused on what her kids look like.  But they have heard me say things about my self over the years, that I see my negative self-esteem in #2.  The last few months, he's complained about his weight and how he needs to exercise to be skinnier....and that kid is the most active thing in this house other than the ceiling fans.  It breaks my heart.  It truly makes my heart ache to hear him sound like I did when I was younger.  My goal is to show him that God made him...and even though he needs to take care of himself (like we all do), he is made in God's image....beautifully and wonderfully made.  

So why do I write this?  To sell it?  Sure, if you're interested you can always contact me.  But I really wanted you to see me...the real me.  The "I'm not perfect" me.  The "life isn't always happy" me.  And I wanted you to see what really changed me...it wasn't just deciding to join forces with some products that are amazing...but it was realizing that I needed to spend a little time on me.  I was hiding behind changing my looks all the time and wearing clothes that were louder than my mouth...I thought those things would make me happy.  But when I dove into God's word and read about so many people that were broken by their choices or other people, I realized that God didn't focus on their physical appearance and I didn't need to spend my life on my physical appearance either.  I need to focus on being comfortable with myself....of course, I write this after using sunless tanner so I won't be so pale for church camp....baby steps Kelley, baby steps (that means I wrote this in July and STILL didn't feel comfortable until NOW to actually post this).  Did losing weight help me feel more comfortable?  Absolutely.  Did I need to lose weight and do I still need to?  Yes.  Did losing the dark circles under my eyes make me take make-up a little less serious?  Well, I'm not buying the new and improved cosmetics every time they come out, so I'd say that's a win.    But I also realize that my body is the one thing God gave me since birth to take care of...and I struggle at times with that.  But I feel so much better knowing that God made me....and He loves me....and I am made in His image...an image that He wants me to nurture....and I can always look to Him for help and He will comfort me and guide me in our life by numbers!

Want to learn more?  Here are some links for more information....

You Version Bible

Advocare Wiggins

R+F Wiggins
Essential Oils

I've Lost the Mercy Gene

I'm missing the mercy gene...like, seriously, it's not anywhere on me.  I'm pretty sure most people have mercy...even if it's a small part...but for some reason, mine is just missing.  Maybe it's from how I grew up, maybe it's from all that I've been through in life, maybe it's from just not been given that gene...but whatever it is, it's not here.  

Why do I bring this up?  Why does it matter?  Cuz my merciless self has come in strong since becoming a football mom.  Don't get me wrong, my heart drops when I see my kiddos on the field.  I catch myself with fists clinched and teeth grinding as the #s are in practice.  And anybody that messes with my boys are on a mental list...most get off by helping the #s on the next play or two.  

But the mercy goes away when I talk to the #s at football.  I get frustrated when they don't tackle correctly or make a play right the first time.  My philosophy is that if they wanted so badly to play this game, then they might as well play it right and not waste time.  And to be honest, I'm slightly competitive so I want them to do everything THE BEST.  I quite aware that it's not the NFL...but maybe one day...

So tonight...for the 4th time in three practices, #3 has come off the field crying about something not going right.  Unfortunately, I don't know about the first two times cuz I wasn't at that practice, but the last two have been doozies.  I remember the first time #2 came off the field crying about his helmet...I was frustrated and telling him to get over it and then one of the coaches looked at it and said that he probably needs a bigger helmet...so I felt like a idiot, but the kid DID play the rest of that practice with a helmet smaller than his actual head.  

With this being the 4th year that #2 has been playing football, I feel like I'm kind-of a relaxed football mom.  I bring my chair to the field and I set it away from everybody.  Why?  So I can talk to myself and watch how my kiddos are playing.  I sip my water and soak in the sun and feel the breeze and watch practice.  I'm going on my 4th year of doing this...this year should be easy.  But then we added #3 to football.

Read this carefully...I begged and bribed #3 not to play football.  I even offered him $250 to not play, but he wanted to so badly.  #2 begged for #3 not to play and then even tried to get me to talk him out of it....
#2:  Please don't let him play.

Me:  I'm trying.

#2:  He's just going to get hurt. 

Me:  He'll have to learn honey.

#2:  You don't understand...he's gonna get hurt...kids are gonna make fun of him...and I'm going to get frustrated.  What am I supposed to do?

Me:  You are supposed to love your brother and stick up for him.  If ANYBODY makes fun of him, you see what #3 does about it and then you can stick up for him.  You're his brother.  

#2:  I don't want to see him get hurt.  

Me:  He'll be fine.  
So on to #3....let me preface this by saying that I know my son.  When he's upset and just can't handle it anymore, if the wind touched him wrong, he would break down.  That's what happened the first time...overwhelmed, upset about being overwhelmed and suddenly, he thinks he broke his finger.  How did he "break" his finger...beats me.  Maybe the wind? Maybe the grass poked it?  Not. A. Clue.  

Here comes the merciless me...
Me:  Why are you crying?


#3:  I broke my finger.


Me:  No you didn't.


#3:  Yes I did.


Me:  Let me see it...can you bend it?


#3:  No.


Me:  Yes you can...look.


#3:  But it hurts.  


Me:  You're fine.  Get out there and play football.  You signed up for this and you're gonna finish it through.  


#3:  But I'm struggling.  I'm not the best. 


Me:  No...you're not.  There is and will ALWAYS be somebody better than you...so be like them...now go play football.  

He goes back out on the field and plays.  All the while, I know that parents are looking at me like "she is so awful".  It's okay...I've been called worse.  

So after this ordeal, I decided to pep the #s up a little with a talk before each game...
Me:  Repeat after me...I am strong


#s:  I am strong.


Me:  I am tough.


#s:  I am tough.


Me:  I am good enough to play football.

#s:  I am good enough to play football.

Me:  I will not cry unless there is a bone sticking out of my body.

#s:  I will not cry unless there is a bone sticking out of my body.  
...yes, THIS is what we repeat all the way from our elementary school to the football field.  Over and over and over. 
So another thing about #3 is that he is a rule follower...and if someone doesn't follow the rules, then he is not happy.  As much as he is defiant and would break a rule himself just because he wants to, he doesn't want anybody else to break a rule and will be distraught if they do.  So today here comes #3 walking off the field with snot coming out of his nose and tears streaming down his face...
Me:  What's the matter?


#3:  He's cheating.  People aren't doing what the coaches say and it's frustrating because that means I can't do what I'm supposed to do.


Me:  Everybody is learning how to play this game.  You have GOT to stop crying every time something does go as YOU planned or you'll be crying every practice and game.  


#3:  But you don't understand...


Me: I DO understand and you need to suck it up cuz everybody tries to win and if you keep crying over someone doing something to you, they're gonna think you're weak and tackle you till you bleed...and then you'll really be crying.  


#3:  But...


Me:  NO BUTS....GET OUT THERE AND TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON THE FIELD....NOW!


#3:  Yes ma'am.  
...of course, I look around and there are parents just staring at me.  I'm sure that between the crying and me talking like that to him and then them hearing that he has Tourette Syndrome, SAD, ODD, and ADD, they think I'm a mom that needs to have some people from the state visit her.  

As soon we #2 gets off the field to get water...
#2:  I TOLD you this would happen.  I TOLD you that he would get frustrated.  I TOLD you he would get hurt.  

Me:  I get it...hush and get some water.  

My evening has consisted of talking to #3 about tonight...
Me:  Honey, I love you.

#3:  I love you too.

Me:  Yes, I love you...but if you keep crying on the field, I'm gonna have to spank you.

#3:  WHAT!?!?!?!?

Me:  You have got to toughen up...and I don't know how else to tell you.

#3:  I'm trying mommy...and I love you so much that I'll try even harder.  
...yes, for most parents that would be heartbreaking...but remember, I've lost the mercy gene...
Me:  Yeah, I'm gonna need you to really try harder, not just tell me...show me.  

I'm not all heartless...I did hug #3 and then he asked me if I would snuggle with him tonight after his bath.  And of course...that's gonna happen...I mean, how could I resist this face...

...and so all is right in the world...until our first game on Saturday...in our Life By Numbers!

My Baby Is Growing Up!

I never thought this day would come...no, I'm not talking about dating...or doing the laundry...I'm not even talking about peeing IN the potty...I'm talking about leaving the #s in the care of each other.  It all started like this about a month ago...

Me:  I don't know if we can go.  It's a school night and we'll have to find someone to come watch them.

Hubby:  They'll be fine.  We'll let #1 take care of them.

Me:  Seriously?  Are you hearing yourself right now?  You're going to let a # take care of the other #s?  Do you know the #s?

Hubby:  We've got to start this sometime.  It's just down the street...we can rush home if anything happens and it won't last long.

Me:  I'm not feeling good about this...

...and that was the end of the conversation...until two nights before the night we're supposed to be out.  

Picture this...we're all at the dining room table and we're almost finished with dinner...

Me:  Have you told them what you've decided?

Hubby:  You mean what we've decided?

Me:  Sure.

Hubby:  Well...Mommy and I are going out in two nights.  

#3:  Who's going to babysit us?

Hubby:  We're thinking of letting #1 be in charge.

#2:  Seriously...who is coming over?

Hubby:  #1 can be in charge for a few hours.  

#2:  Mommy...seriously...who is going to watch us?

Me:  If it doesn't work out, he will be in big trouble.

#1:  Hey...I'll do a great job!

Me:  It's not that I don't trust you...I don't trust the world.  

#1:  Please Mom...this will be THE DAY!  

Me:  What day is that?

#1:  The day I become a man!!!!

Me:  Because you'll babysit your brothers?!?!?!?

#1:  Because you trust me enough to watch them.  I'll be in charge of them.  PLEASE???????

I mean, how do you say no?  I mean, I DID say no, but Hubby really thought #1 could handle it...

Me:  What if someone comes to the door?

Hubby:  They won't answer it.

Me:  What if a storm comes?

Hubby:  They're gonna stay inside.

Me:  What if #3 has a meltdown?

Hubby:  What if he doesn't?

...so we said yes.  And the next thing on my phone was this.....

...yes...#1 being excited is an understatement.  :-)

So the day comes...I don't even know how we got here.  Just yesterday #1 was starting Kindergarten, #2 being carried, and #3 was still inside of me.  WHERE DID THE TIME GO?!?!?!?!!?  I mean, I've gone through this stupid thing called puberty with #1...things are growing, voices are deepening, and now he's watching over my other children.  Can I just turn back time a few years!?!?!?

As Hubby and I are leaving, we are giving rules...okay, I am giving rules...and lots of them...

Me:  Don't open the door.

#1:  Okay.

Me:  You cannot go outside to play.

#2:  Okay.

Me:  You may not eat anything cuz you might choke and die.

#s:  Okay.  

Me:  Water only to drink cuz everything else is thicker than water.

#s:  Okay.

Me:  You may not have a meltdown while I am gone. 

#3:  Yes ma'am.  

.....and then we took pictures to document the event...

...I'm pretty sure we need to frame these to show that at least we have a sense of humor...or maybe they were taken so in case something happened, I have the most up-to-date picture of each of them!





Of course, before we leave the house, I call #1...AND HE DID NOT ANSWER...
Me:  STOP THE CAR!
Hubby:  Okay.
...I run to the front door and ring the doorbell about 20 times.  #2 and #3 run to the window and I hear #1....
#1:  DON'T GO TO THE DOOR OR WINDOW!!!!
#3:  But it's Mommy!!!!!
...#2 opens the door...
Me:  What was the first rule?  WHAT WAS THE FIRST RULE?
#2:  Don't open the door.
Me:  Then DON'T open the door...and #1, don't LET them open the door...AND ANSWER YOUR PHONE!
...as I leave...

...and we drive away...with my babies in the care of my baby.

Hubby and I had a fabulous time at the party.  And during the party, I checked on the #s...a few times...a lot...and I'm okay with it...I'm truly okay with being "that mom"...

 ...I'm okay an epic pillow fight...I'm okay with asking them over and over if they are okay...I'm okay with #2 continually complaining that I'm not with him...and I am CERTAINLY okay with them fixing our bed after their pillow fight.

I also got this text...

#2:  Can I have a cup of milk?

Me:  No.

#2:  Why not?

Me:  Cuz it's thicker than water and you might choke and die.

#2:  What happens if I choke on water.  

Me:  Don't.  

Then it started to get dark...

Me:  We have GOT to go.

Hubby:  Okay...let's say goodbye. 

Me:  Seriously...quickly...they are home by themselves and it's getting dark.

...I've left them by themselves for 1 hour and 30 minutes...it is time to check on them...hold them...put a book on their head so they'll never grow up.

We get home...I walk in the door...they are all in our bedroom...the tv is on...the bed is not fixed...pillows and blankets are everywhere...BUT MY BABIES ARE SAFE.....

...I think they missed me!

So as they brushed their teeth and got ready for bed, Hubby and I sat down and talked to #1...

Me:  So how did it really go?

#1:  It went well.  We played video games and we had an epic pillow fight and then we watched tv and they played on their tablets.  #3 almost had a meltdown, but we diverted his attention and saved it.  We had a great night.

Hubby:  We are really proud of you!

Me:  Yes we are.

#1:  Thank you for trusting me!!!!!

...and then he hugged me.  It was a different type of hug...one from a kid that is growing up...a kid that has been given a responsibility and he took it seriously...a kid that I can trust taking care of my other kids...a kid that I feel great about growing up...a kid that loves God...a kid that loves his brothers...a kid that really isn't a kid anymore.  Sometimes being a parent scares me to death, but in the end, I know that I love being a wife and mommy in our life by numbers! 

Hold It And Aim

Seriously...why in the world is there pee all around the toilet?  And I don't mean on the toilet...I seriously mean all around the outside of the toilet, down the sides of the toilet, and on the floor...there is even pee on the bathroom trash can...seriously...WHO IS PEEING ON THE FLOOR?!?!?!?

#2:  What is the matter?  What are you doing?

Me:  I am cleaning the toilet...AROUND THE TOILET!!!!

#3:  Why?

Me:  Because I live in a house full of males that cannot hit the toilet! 

#2:  I can hit the toilet.

As few minutes later...

Me:  Do you hold your penis?

#2/#3:  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

Me:  When you pee.  Do you hold it when you pee?

#2:  NO!

Me:  WHY NOT!?!?!  You all seriously touch it all the time to make sure it's there.  I'm constantly telling you that it doesn't just walk off.  If you can touch it all day long, I am RIGHT NOW giving you permission to hold it steady while you get the pee INSIDE the toilet.  

#3:  That's just wrong.

After the scrubbing of my hand and all the way up to my elbow, I decide to tackle the sink...

#2:  Why are you cleaning the sink?

Me:  Because there is toothpaste all over it.  I don't even know if you all even get the toothpaste on your toothbrush or if you just squirt it into the sink.  

Then I walk into #3's room.  Now, I told them all the way home that we have to clean the house because we have company coming this weekend.  So they have been prepared for this...

#3:  Do you mind if I move some things around in my room?

Me:  Sure

...why did I say sure?  Because I'm an idiot.  

Me:  Why is there furniture moved around....and why are there clothes on the floor and every stuffed animal on your bed?

#3:  You told me I could move things around.

Me:  I meant "you can move things around to make your room clean".

#3:  Well, #2 and I can't play basketball with the costume chest there...it gets in the way.

Me:  So smack dab in the middle of the floor looks better?

#3:  Well.....

Me:  And does your bed really need to house every stuffed animal?

#3:  There are five stuffed animals in the basket!!!!

Me:  And 132 on your bed....

#3:  Fine...I'll actually clean my room

#2:  I'm thinking #3 and we need to pick up the shoes to make the den look better too!

Me:  Good idea!  

So I just give up on this house.  I'm not cleaning toilets anymore...the sink at least smells good with the toothpaste...and I'll just let them rearrange their room however they want as long as it doesn't smell like anything has died in there.  I'm waving the white flag when it comes to motherhood...you win numbers...it's your world, I'm just living in our life by numbers!

I Almost Died from This Adventure...In More Ways Than One!

These are our friends.  We love these three people with all of our heart.  We support each other, we help each other, we laugh with each other...and then our friendship abruptly ended Monday when they decided to get this girl completely out of my comfort zone.

I'm not so sure it started in an innocent gesture that we all go do something on the last day of the summer that we could all get together before school started.  H said she thought we would really enjoy seeing some beautiful waterfalls in Tennessee.  "The #s would love it", she said.  "It's a great adventure", she said.  I should have known...but hey, we're friends, she would NEVER put me in a dangerous position, right?  

So Sunday night she texts me things like "bring a change of clothes so you'll feel cleaner afterwards".  Feel cleaner?  FEEL cleaner?  Just how dirty am I going to get on this little family outing?  Does she realize that we have a 2 hour drive?!?!?  I gotta be dirty for two entire hours!?!?!??!?  

Then I get another text about bringing food and each kiddo wearing their own bag and don't forget lots of water in your backpack.  You wanna know the first thing I thought?  I BET THERE IS NO RESTROOM ON THIS TRIP!!!!!!  Then I'm thinking...how in the world am I gonna pee after drinking this much water?!??!?!  Once it goes in, it's gotta go out!  I am in deep trouble and I'm wondering if our friendship would really be hurt if I miraculously can't attend this little outing.  

Then...."see you at 6:30am"...wait.  What?  We are LEAVING at 6:30...IN THE MORNING!??!!?  I am now taking applications for new family friends.  In fact, maybe I just won't even find a new friend cuz look where it's gotten me.  

The first thing is she sends me this text Monday morning...

Which part do I read first?  Well of course the July 30th one since the word DANGER is in caps.  Seriously...what has my friend gotten me into?  Maybe it will rain.  ::insert your mental image of me praying for a torrential downpour from here to Tennessee with no signs of letting up until Tuesday::

Of course, we are late to meet them...so we meet them at 6:50am.  The #s are so excited.  Hubby is excited and getting lunch together.  I'm looking out the window for rain.  Not even a cloud in sight.  Nice.  Real nice.  

On the way to this place of mystery, there are enough curves in the road to make one sick.  To top it off, if you look to the right, there are also cliffs and water.  I am in a full blown panic attack.  Seriously.  I am trying to laugh, but there are tears in my eyes.  My family is now completely worried about me.  I'm telling Hubby to drive slower.  Just because it says 55 does not mean you have to go that fast.  I'm yelling at #2 to close his eyes cuz he gets car sick.  I'm yelling at #1 to stop talking.  I'm yelling at #3 that I'm fine.  I'm yelling at Hubby to slow down.  I'm never going to make this trip.  And I don't care how long it takes us to go back home, we're using a road that I can look to the left and right and there are no cliffs...no water...just flat land and buildings.  

We finally get to this place and there are hardly any cars around which is nice cuz it means that it won't be crowded...or maybe everybody knows what this trip is like and they are staying away.  I tell the #s to use the restroom and my friend comes out of the restroom and says there is no toilet paper.  WHAT!?!?!?!?!?  NO TOILET PAPER!?!??!  That kinda needs to be there.  So we use wet wipes.  I haven't used wet wipes in a long time...but to be honest, that's a nice, weirdly refreshing feeling.  

We get some cute family pictures and we are off...I should have known something was up when I see these signs at the entrance....

I'm thinking this isn't too bad...it's all flat...we'll be fine.  The trees make for nice shade on this hot day and we are laughing and talking.  So we get to this sign that says something like "waterfall overlook or shortcut".  Well....duh, right?  No, apparently we're taking the waterfall overlook.  That's fine and dandy and all, but...IT WAS A SHORTCUT!   What in the world are we thinking?  

We get to the waterfall overlook and it's gorgeous...but there is a fence...SO YOU DON'T FALL!  I am telling the boys...

Don't look down!

Don't touch the fence!

Don't lean on the fence!

The fence is shaking!

Get back up here and hold my hand!

Hubby stop getting pictures!

Listen.  To.  Me!!!!

....and then we continue on our trail.  I'm surprised that we're still on flat land.  It's amazing to me that they've made it this semi-easy to get down a mountain.  YAY for my friends!!!  This isn't so bad after all!!!!

And then it happens.  We could turn back and disappoint the #s or we can go down the mountain.  Straight.  Down.  The.  Mountain.  It's muddy because of the rain from days before.  It's narrow.  There's no rail.  My stomach is turning.  I look to the left and see a cliff.  If I fall, I will die.  I am giving the #s the "if you don't hold my hand the entire way, you will die from falling off this mountain and then I'm going to be very mad at you" speech.  My blood pressure in high.  My hands are sweating.  Business mode has set in...it's all or nothing.  

There's not much talking during this time.  #3 stops every once and a while because his legs are hurting him and sometimes under his breath he says "I am scared to death".  I tell him I'm right here with him...also scared to death (which, yes, I do leave out of coming out of my mouth).  

I see a rail...

Me:  Oh look!  A rail to hold onto!

H:  Makes you wonder what happened here to put a rail up. 

....seriously.  SERIOUSLY!?!?!!?!?  

We finally make it to the end.  The end of the mountain.  Now we gotta hike to the waterfalls.  Don't you think that we should end at the mountain and the waterfalls should just be there?!?!  I mean, I've hiked till I'm scared to death and now there is MORE!?!??!?

At this point, I have to put my feet in water.  Unknown, brown, fish swimming, freezing cold, germ infested water.  We are walking through this water and all I am thinking of is how I will need to scrub under my toes when I get home.  At this point, I wish my toenails did that thing on the commercial for people with toe fungus....you know, lift up like a the hood of a car and then I can scrub those germs away.  Within 10 minutes, #1 has fallen into the water...and he smells absolutely awful.  He's fine, but he smells.  We are now walking through water that goes up to my knees, slipping on rocks because of the slim on them, and trying to figure out the best path to go.  

The children are hungry so we stop on a rock to eat.  Thank goodness that H brought hand sanitizer!!!!  We lather up in that stuff and eat our sandwiches.  I probably could have bathed right then in hand sanitizer.  I can see the morale getting better within our group.  We are laughing.  We are resting.  We are taking silly pictures with duck lip chips....

...this might not be so bad after all.  Let's get to this waterfall!!!!

After many more rocks to climb, #1 falling again into the water, #2 falling into the water, #3 begging to wear his life jacket even though it feels like a million degrees outside, we are finally here...and man is it beautiful...

H:  Are you ready to get in the water and swim to the waterfalls?

Stop.  Wait.  Hold the phone.  Pause.  WHAT!?!??!  I gotta swim?  To get there?  I see it.  It's pretty, but I ain't swimming.  But the #s are ready.  At this point, the children have their life jackets on and are ready to go.  I have to use one from the falls and when I lift it, I am smelling a smell unlike no other.  Wait...I know this smell...it's the smell of someone who doesn't have a routine of using deodorant.  Where is that smell coming from?  There's no one close by enough for me to smell them.  I start sniffing around.  I sniff the numbers.  I sniff me.  I sniff the life jacket and that's when all the hairs out of my nose fell out.  Are you KIDDING me!?!?!  In this day and age, who doesn't know what deodorant is?  AND...who doesn't know that when their deodorant isn't working that they need to find another one that does?!?!?!

My friend (yes, we're still calling her that) says "get in the water and you won't smell it".  At this point I'm wondering if she's a friend that loves me or one that is waiting for the camera people to jump out just so she can say "GOTCHA"!  

I put the life jacket on....slowly....carefully....holding my nose.  I start walking in the water.  There's no way I'm swimming.  I can't.  I won't.  

And then it starts to rain.  I am not joking when I write that I looked up at the sky and said "really...it's a little late now".  That's how I know that God has a fabulous sense of humor.  He didn't have it rain for very long, but it was a great hard rain...just like a prayed for...hours ago.  His timing sure isn't mine...but I really think that it was a "here's your rain Kelley...stop your whining".  

::And here's our therapy session for the day::

I can't get my head under the water.  This did not just start today at the waterfalls, but has been something all my life.  When I was little, I used to sit in the bathtub and have to wash my hair in the faucet by turning my head down.  I always felt uneasy...nervous...scared.  I have no clue why, but I did.  Fast forward to me being 38 years old (I get to hold on to that age until August 12th) and I still have a problem with putting my head under water.  I can't do it in the ocean.  I'm not a fan of putting my head under in a pool...though to show off a handstand to the #s, I'll sacrifice.  Even in the shower, I hurry and wash my hair and face first and then my head doesn't go under the water anymore.  I can't just stand in the shower and let the water pour over my head.  It unnerves me.  I don't know why.  I'm sure I need help.  

::End of therapy::

Hubby takes the #s to the waterfalls.  It's a beautiful picture of Hubby with our boys.  I watch as the water cascades over the rocks.  I watch as Hubby is holding the hands of our children.  What a beautiful picture (that I didn't get cuz I don't have a waterproof phone case).  

I watch as Hubby tries to get the #s to go down the slide of the waterfall.  I watch as the #s don't want to go down because I see the panic in their faces.  I watch as Hubby slides down and leaves the #s up on the rocks....WHAT!??!?!?  WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE MY CHILDREN UP THERE?!?!?!?!??!  Apparently, that's the only way they would come down is to see Hubby.  I wasn't there, so I really don't know that full conversation, but let's just say this momma isn't happy that my children are left on some filthy, slick, germy rocks all alone.  Finally, one by one, they each slide down.  I'm watching saying "lean your head forward" like they're going to hear me.  #2 and #3 slide down beautifully.  #1 falls with less grace than a baby giraffe trying to walk for the first time...but he made it down nonetheless.  

I never swam to the waterfalls.  Never got my head wet.  I went all the way in to my chest and then started panicking.  H said "keep your feet moving so the fish don't start sucking at your legs"...I'm beginning she hangs around me because I have so many issues that I'm fun to torture?!?!?!  

We eventually headed back as the children were showing signs of "I want to get out of here"....or maybe that's just me.  The trip back seemed much shorter as we passed all the rocks and water.  Maybe it was because we knew what we were doing and which path we were taking.  #2 kept going faster and faster and I had to remind him that this isn't a competition on who makes it first, but rather who survives.  

As we walked up the mountain, it seems more dangerous.  Maybe because I was tired or possibly because the rain had changed the dirt to mud.  As we climbed, I kept saying, stay to the left....STAY TO THE LEFT!!!!  I know the protocol is "walk to the right", but when you're climbing a mountain that has a cliff on one side and no fence, you do what you can to survive...and that is stay to the left.  

This time, we took the shortcut to go back to the car.  We were all smiling and laughing when we saw the end....the sun through the trees up ahead.  It was like the bright light at the end of the tunnel, but that it didn't mean death, it meant we survived!!!!  And then....we stopped as we saw that we had a flat tire.  

Are.  You.  Kidding.  Me?????

Hubby and V are working hard at fixing the tire as I'm getting the #s to the men's restroom to change clothes...remember...to "feel" clean.  They are patiently waiting for this dude to get out cuz apparently he's not just changing, he's making sure he looks good for his ride home and there comes a line of men behind my #s.  Well, let me be honest, I'm not one to really care about what some people think about me when it comes to my #s, so since the men's restroom is wide open, I am standing in front of the door looking in.  If my babies are gonna be in that restroom without Hubby, I am going to stand there and make sure no crazy person goes in there with them.  Men are just looking at me like I am crazy, but I'm making small talk with them and I'm pretty sure one guy knows that if there's any funny business in there, I'm gonna take care of it.  In fact, that guy got out of line and said he'll stop on the way home.  You're not gonna mess with my babies.  No sir.  

The #s get changed and they head back to H as she watches the children as I get changed.  I go in the women's restroom and I wonder why are women so incredibly filthy...do they not know how to use a restroom.  But then I realize that I am by myself and I made it.  I MADE IT!!!  I put on my mismatched clothes and spray deodorant EVERYWHERE on my body and walk out.  The tire is close to being full of air, we have found an auto parts store online for some fix-a-flat and now my full blown panic has set in....we have to drive 22 minutes to get to this store on a tire that may/may not make it.  

::Insert second therapy session::

I hate to be in a vehicle.  I don't like to drive and I don't like to ride.  It makes it tough to get around to places that I can't walk to.  When I was little, we were run off the road by a semi-truck.  When I was teaching in TN, my tire wrapped around my wheel (remember that Firestone tire issue?  We had them).  I always would dream of a time where I could drive clouds in the air and be away from all the cars.  I drive the speed limit.  THE speed limit.  I put my phone under my bag so it doesn't bother me...but it's close in case I need to call in an emergency.  If I do have to talk or text, it's always voice activated so I really have no clue what I'm saying to people cuz we all know how accurate Siri is.  So...as you can imagine, when I KNOW that something is wrong with a vehicle that I am in, I go into full blown "think of the worst thing that could ever happen to me" attack.  

::End of therapy session::

We're leaving for the auto parts store and we see an ambulance driving into the parking lot of Cummins Falls...

Hubby:  I'd hate to be the person that needs that right now...just think, we JUST have a tire that is flat.

...and that is why he's a pastor and I am the crazy one.  He sees the good in everything...EVERYTHING.  There are days I just wanna slap the good outta him so he'll understand my craziness.  But I needed that.  I needed the reminder that we don't have it bad and there are people out there that need much more help that I need.  But I'm still having this panic attack whether he likes it or not.  

So I freak out at every bump and noise for the next 22 minutes.  And I'm telling him to drive slower and take the curves slower and for the #s to go to sleep.  Wait....I only have two #s....DID I LOSE A KID?!?!?!!??!?!

Hubby:  He's with V and H....he's fine and probably asleep. 

...that's why I love him....so level headed and actually knows where the children are in my craziness.  

We make it and Hubby and V go into the store.  I am praying over this tire.  That might seem odd to you but I am praying this works and that God gets us home and we will be fine.  During this prayer time, Hubby and V decide that we can eat dinner here and then see if the air goes down any more in the tire.  If so, there is a tire store right down the street.  

HOLD THE PHONE...that is not a Discount Tire store.  I get a free tire if I go to Discount Tire cuz I paid for that extra insurance.  And of course, there is no Discount Tire store in this city.  I might need a new tire, but I am also extremely cheap and would rather walk home anyway than pay for a tire that I could get free two hours away.  

Wait...did they say we're going to eat here....like out in public?!?!?  I have on shorts with paint all over them, a tank top that might be a tad bit small, shoes that don't match, and I smell like my life jacket no matter how much deodorant I sprayed all over myself and you want me to eat out...IN PUBLIC!?!?!?  And to top it all off....they want to eat a Cici's Pizza....A BUFFET!?!?!?!?

::Therapy Session Number Three::

I am not a fan of buffets.  I have seen people sneeze at a buffet.  I have seen people cough at a buffet. I have seen people grab food with their hands and put it back at buffets.  Those sneeze/cough guards are nothing but a hoax.  They do nothing except show that there has been germs that splattered all over it and that's all they caught and the rest went straight to the food.  I'm pretty sure I've done a lot today to overcome my fear of everything...and eating at a buffet has pretty much crossed the line.   

::End of Session::

But the kiddos know and they are excited to eat there.  I walk into the buffet and I eat.  Like my friend (still using that term) H said "I must be really hungry when a Cici's salad tastes so good".  The #s were eating like they were in pizza heaven.  I ate.  I didn't die.  I didn't like it, but I didn't die.  No, I'm not overcoming my fears, but I am eating to make sure I stay alive in case I have to walk and carry our car back to Kentucky due to my fear of vehicles and cheapness.  

After eating, we decide to stop twice to check on the tire on the way home.  Our friends stop with us...cuz they are good friends.  We talk about that all the way home.  Really Hubby talked about it cuz I wouldn't let him go the speed limit and he would look in the rear view mirror and say that they look frustrated cuz we're going so slow and that I need to let him go faster and he hopes they stay friends with us after this trip.  

And after a full day of my family, a flat tire, driving slow, and many stops, you know what they wanted to do?  Our friends wanted to get ice cream with us.  So we stopped for ice cream....and laughed about our day....and talked about our adventures...and had a fabulous ending with friends (and I hope they will still call us that after our adventure).  Though they are our friends, they keep talking about another adventure on a mountain in a steel cage...but apparently we have to wait cuz they are fixing the cage.  My friends, if they are fixing the cage, that means that it has broken.  Just how safe is a broken steel cage down the side of a mountain?!??!?!  Just to let you know H is my friend, but she's a horrible salesperson when it comes to adventures. 

All in all, it was a fabulous trip and a part of God's creation that I am so glad I got to see.  As the water fell off the rocks, I got to watch and listen as the #s laughed and splashed and forgot about their anxiety of school about to start.   As they swam around and had to chase their shoes in the water, I thought about how they'll remember this...a trip with fabulous friends seeing a creation from God that is breathtaking.   I got to see #1 not picking at his fingers or blowing germs off his hands.  I got to see #2 not make the climbing a competition, but to see him carefully plot how to get up and down a mountain without making it a race.  I got to see #3 in a completely unknown territory and him not have a meltdown and that he let me know when he needed a break.  I got to see Hubby with the #s get in the waterfalls.  I got to see the boys look up to him and rely on him when they were scared.   As you see, it was amazing for all of us!

We did something that I never in a million years thought we would enjoy as a family.  And now we have a story...a story that got us all out of our comfort zone.  A story that got us spending time with some fabulous, God loving friends.  A story that will be remembered as a fun, exciting adventure.  A story that will be in the books as one to remember in our life by numbers!

My Presidential Candidate

Some of my friends were turned off just by the title....which cracks me up cuz in no way am I talking about my presidential candidate.  I mean, seriously!?!?!?  Do you think I would jump in that pot of boiling water???  Did you know that people that I know are actually "de-friending" people on Facebook because of who they are voting for?  Did you know that people I know are actually bashing people and calling them all kinds of names because they don't agree on a candidate?!?!?!  It's getting scary folks....and I'm not talking about the two major parties (I mean, did you even know there are other parties out there).  I'm talking about how in the WORLD is this world gonna get any better if we let something like two strangers (let's face it, none of us really know the two party candidates or even what they'll really do once they get in office) come between us.

And don't get me started on the "oh whoa is me...I don't like either one so I'm not going to vote" friends.  People, we live in a country where you have a right that others don't.  Don't throw it away.  Choose the one that is closest to what you want in a candidate and vote.  And if you don't vote, don't complain.  That's like you saying you don't care which cupcake you get, but when they give you a vanilla cupcake with vanilla frosting, you complain about how there's not chocolate.

Okay...so off that rant, I was tired of #1 making fun of the candidates.  He's been doing this for a few months.  He kept making fun of one and then saying he could never vote for that other person.  Well, guess what buddy boy, you think you know the candidates by watching 10 minutes of news in class every day...think again.  So tonight I sat down with #1 for an hour...yes, an ENTIRE hour with just the two of us and we did the presidential candidate quiz on isidewith.org.

What's that you ask?  It's a website that goes over the major issues in the quiz and even give some in-depth information about each issue.  Then it not only gives you "yes" or "no" answers, but lots of answers to choose from...AND it even has a place to type your own answer.  I mean, this is the best one that I've been given (thanks to two fabulous teachers at one of my schools) and it had #1 and I sitting and talking about the issues.

Now....let's get real....I had to talk to #1 about things that we've really never talked about.  Let's get real, abortion had just never come up in casual conversation before tonight...but it was something that he learned about from mommy dearest.  In fact, tonight was pretty much a "hold nothing back" conversation....one of us will have nightmares for weeks.  :-)  Anyhoo...#1would read the question, look at me, and then we'd talk.  We'd talk about the pros and cons about each issue and he made an informed decision without me breathing down his neck to pick the one I thought he should.

And you know what?  He was surprised by who he sided with the most.  And you know what?  His top candidate wasn't even a major party candidate....so then we got to talk about why in the world we haven't heard from those people.

The best part?  #1 and I got to talk about how people are claiming they know all about their candidates and in all reality, they don't know.  They're listening to their parents or voting on one specific issue.  And don't get me started on party lines.  Friends, there is no way you agree 100% with any of these candidates...if you do, you ARE that candidate...and I have much more respect for you than to call you any of their names.  

#1:  But what happens if the person I want to win, doesn't win?
Me:  You go on with life.  You know that no matter what, God knew who was going to win, God knows every move they'll make, and God is the One that we follow no matter what.  We follow the laws of the land...unless it goes against what God has given us.  
#1:  So why are people fighting so much about it?
Me:  They're trying to prove a point.
#1:  Do they know that God already knows?
Me:  I hope so (but I was really thinking "I have no clue if they know that").

The neatest part about my night was after #1 and I had such a great discussion, #2 came running into the den wanting a turn at the quiz.  We snuggled together and I got to "elementary-ize" the questions a bit lot...and his views were very similar to #1's.  They got the same candidate by different percentages and he was so excited to spend that time and talk about issues.
#2:  I'm really excited that we get to talk about this in history class this year!  I love that it's an election year.  I can fill my friends in on the issues.
Me:  Please don't talk to your friends about abortion.
#2:  But it's an issue we all need to know about this election.
Me:  And it's an issue we're going to let their parents feel awkward in talking about.

And then came #3....all snuggling up in my lap and going over the questions.  As I asked him about immigration and healthcare he looked up at me with his great big blue eyes....
#3:  Mommy, God made them people too...and He loves them so much
...I couldn't help but wonder if that answer was for me...and actually from God through #3.  The look in his face, the twinkle in his eyes and the sweetness in his precious voice...that kid is closer to God that I think I'll ever be.

So this was my night.  A night where I didn't have to plan a presentation, a night where we didn't have to go anywhere, a night where I could have caught up on all my tv shows that I've been DVRing for the last month.  But instead I got to spend it on something that matters...not politics, not life changing issues, not on the computer....but with my #s.  Showing my #s how to think for themselves. As I talked about in our "professional development learning" this week...our belief is what we own...and I want them to own something that they thought through themselves.  I don't want my boys to grow up doing things just because their parents did...what kind of life is that?  I want them to grow up to think for themselves and see the things that they would change and I want them to change them.  Tonight was truly a night that made thankful for our life by numbers!

On This Day...

I really like the feature on Facebook that is titled "On This Day"...probably cuz I'm not dating, I'm not wearing two piece bathing suits, and the family that is crazy, well, let's just say I don't post about them so I don't have to worry when I open that tab.  I usually look at the posts from the pasts and smile....cuz it's usually one of the #s doing something silly, sleeping in an awkward position, or saying something that was cute back then, but really would get under my skin at their age today...and today was no different....

-this picture was taken last year right after #3 threw up all over our brand new couch...hadn't had it very long and I had been protecting it from everything...except vomit....

-and this picture is from 2014 where #1 picked up a pickle as a snack at a gas station while we were on vacation

-this pretty little thing from 2014 was showing how #2 sleeps in the most awkward positions...ever.  

-this post from 2012 brought some happy little memories as we can laugh now about all the screaming fits in public as we were trying to get #3 some help...okay, we can laugh about the ones from the past...still not laughing about the present or future ones.  

-and we can't forget when my medical insurance was trying to deny surgery, but said I should get the screw in my elbow to put it back together.  (I'm still shaking my head over this one.)

So....as you can see, I like to see what has happened in the past...I love to see who's birthday we celebrated (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY NIECE TODAY) or what we did with friends...I laugh a little, reminisce about how things were or what kinds of things happened...until I read "On This Day" on July 17th....every July 17th for the last three years...the day "cancer" came barreling into our lives like a freight train without breaks stopping at nothing to tear our hopes, our dreams, and our family apart.  

For those of you that don't know, Hubby was diagnosed with testicular cancer...three years today.  It's funny (not like funny "ha ha", but funny "ummmmm") what things you don't forget when you're going through life.  The little details that you would forget in an instant like what you wore yesterday, but yet you remember things like the facial expressions someone has during a moment in time.   

It started like a typical morning....RUSH RUSH RUSH so we can hurry up and wait in a doctor's office to get some skin tags removed from #1's neck that morning.  He put on an amazing performance as he produced tears to a procedure that he could not feel.  I remember begging him to stop acting like that and I would buy him ice cream....it's amazing how ice cream solves everything....absolutely everything.  

Hubby met us to get ice cream where he broke the news that he was going to the doctor to get checked out.  HELLO RED FLAG....Hubby doesn't ever go to the doctor....I mean never.  There's nothing like a rock in your stomach and you have no idea why except for the fact that Hubby said he's going to the doctor.  

The doc said it's an infection.  Hubby thought it was a hernia from moving my parents in two days before.  Both were wrong.  So incredibly wrong.  The doctor prescribed medicine, but said an ultrasound needed to be ordered just in case.  Two days later, the ultrasound was done and Hubby was sent back to the doctor immediately.  I remember Hubby calling me...telling me that he's being sent back to the doctor right this minute.  No going back to work.  No appointment time.  No information...but we knew.  How did we know?  We have no idea...the ultrasound technician didn't tell him anything except to go straight to his doctor.  No one spilled the beans.  No one saw his chart. But deep down inside, that rock was growing into a boulder....a huge boulder with no signs of warning that it was falling and falling fast.  

The wait from Hubby getting the news to him calling me felt like an eternity.  I sat in a brown recliner in our den and stared at a blank tv.  I can even tell you how every piece of furniture was set up that day.  I can tell you the #s were playing upstairs having the time of their lives as I sat in the den...waiting.  And then the call came. 

Funny thing is, I don't remember much of the conversation that Hubby and I had that afternoon.  I heard cancer a few times.  I heard surgery.  I heard fastest growing.  But the word going over and over in my head was "cancer".  Why did Hubby have cancer?  What did we do for him to get cancer? Did we eat wrong?  Did we say something wrong?  Were we supposed to learn patience?  I'm not praying for patience.  Were we supposed to learn trust?  Comfort?  Broken?  Whatever we were supposed to learn, I wanted to learn it right then and there so we didn't have to go through this.  I didn't ask for this.  We weren't ready for this.  We've got three boys and I don't want to explain this.  

So yes, I was extremely selfish.  I cried all afternoon.  I wanted to hug Hubby and look at his face and then I wanted him to say "just kidding" or "you're on candid camera".  I was facedown on the recliner at one point bawling my eyes out as the #s came downstairs and questioned what I was doing.  Well I wasn't going to tell them by myself.  So I had them at the table...playing with play-doh until Hubby got home.  

Hubby sat at the table with the #s and started telling them what was going on.  #1 was so worried about Hubby dying.  I lost it.  I can't do this by myself....I need Hubby.  I want Hubby.  I cannot do this without him.  I wanted to push those words back in #1's mouth and make him eat them.  And then I remembered....he's just a child...a ten year old child...and he's afraid of losing his dad.  

#2 kept talking about not using the same bathroom that Hubby uses...and that he won't sit on the same place on the couch...and he will make sure that Hubby gets his own place and he won't take it.  It was heartbreaking to hear cuz #2 was scared that he would catch it....catch cancer.  You've got to remember that he's 6 years old...and very frightened of this entire situation.  

And then there's #3...who said nothing.  He played with the play-doh and sometimes looked at Hubby as he spoke.  We still don't know what he was thinking or how he was taking it.  He was almost five years old and we were introducing cancer to him and he was listening to his brothers talk about losing him.  

What happened next was a blur of doctor's appointments, tests, tears, phone calls, and prayers.  Our friends and family watched the boys for the next few days while Hubby went from one appointment to another.  I remember walking into a waiting room with Hubby, holding hands, and seeing "the look" from the lady at the front desk.  I lost it.  I didn't want to see that look...and I certainly didn't want Hubby to see it.  Everybody was quiet and somber.  It was terrifying.  When we were called back, I couldn't stop crying...and the doctor came to me and said "he's going to make it...we'll make sure of it".  The doctor then talked about his belief in God and how he's got a kiddo with special needs and there was a calming feeling...almost like God picked that doctor, gave him a million things in common with us and blessed him with a sense of knowledge about this horrible thing called cancer.  And you know what?  God DID do that.  I fully believe that God put this man in our lives to further the testimony of our family.  Not the way I wanted my testimony to go, but at this point, I really don't need to be makin' plans since they don't go my way.  ;-)

Fast forward to the Monday after we found out on Wednesday that Hubby had cancer and Hubby is in surgery.  You'll never believe the outpouring of love from friends and family....and our precious church.  I mean, I've never seen so many pastors break the "only 2 in a room" rule in my life.  It was certainly a comfort to have them pray, laugh, and listen.  Surgery was a success!  Radiation was a success!  And now we are celebrating year 3 being cancer free.  

What did I learn July 17th, 2013?  That it's okay to be scared.  That when I let my guard down just a little, my #s see me at a level that sometimes they need to see me...they were so scared and they needed to see that I was scared too....and that Hubby was scared.  I learned that cancer just picks people....it doesn't care what color you are, what you do for a living, how much money you have, where you live, what car you drive, how many children you have, how tall you are, if you have a family, if you're happy, sad, confused, anxious....cancer doesn't care.

So as I write this three years later, I know how blessed I am to have my Hubby with us today.  I'm blessed that my family bonded in prayer, tears and laughs as we struggled through the dreaded disease of cancer in our life by numbers!