-this picture was taken last year right after #3 threw up all over our brand new couch...hadn't had it very long and I had been protecting it from everything...except vomit....
-and this picture is from 2014 where #1 picked up a pickle as a snack at a gas station while we were on vacation
-this pretty little thing from 2014 was showing how #2 sleeps in the most awkward positions...ever.
-this post from 2012 brought some happy little memories as we can laugh now about all the screaming fits in public as we were trying to get #3 some help...okay, we can laugh about the ones from the past...still not laughing about the present or future ones.
-and we can't forget when my medical insurance was trying to deny surgery, but said I should get the screw in my elbow to put it back together. (I'm still shaking my head over this one.)
So....as you can see, I like to see what has happened in the past...I love to see who's birthday we celebrated (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY NIECE TODAY) or what we did with friends...I laugh a little, reminisce about how things were or what kinds of things happened...until I read "On This Day" on July 17th....every July 17th for the last three years...the day "cancer" came barreling into our lives like a freight train without breaks stopping at nothing to tear our hopes, our dreams, and our family apart.
For those of you that don't know, Hubby was diagnosed with testicular cancer...three years today. It's funny (not like funny "ha ha", but funny "ummmmm") what things you don't forget when you're going through life. The little details that you would forget in an instant like what you wore yesterday, but yet you remember things like the facial expressions someone has during a moment in time.
It started like a typical morning....RUSH RUSH RUSH so we can hurry up and wait in a doctor's office to get some skin tags removed from #1's neck that morning. He put on an amazing performance as he produced tears to a procedure that he could not feel. I remember begging him to stop acting like that and I would buy him ice cream....it's amazing how ice cream solves everything....absolutely everything.
Hubby met us to get ice cream where he broke the news that he was going to the doctor to get checked out. HELLO RED FLAG....Hubby doesn't ever go to the doctor....I mean never. There's nothing like a rock in your stomach and you have no idea why except for the fact that Hubby said he's going to the doctor.
The doc said it's an infection. Hubby thought it was a hernia from moving my parents in two days before. Both were wrong. So incredibly wrong. The doctor prescribed medicine, but said an ultrasound needed to be ordered just in case. Two days later, the ultrasound was done and Hubby was sent back to the doctor immediately. I remember Hubby calling me...telling me that he's being sent back to the doctor right this minute. No going back to work. No appointment time. No information...but we knew. How did we know? We have no idea...the ultrasound technician didn't tell him anything except to go straight to his doctor. No one spilled the beans. No one saw his chart. But deep down inside, that rock was growing into a boulder....a huge boulder with no signs of warning that it was falling and falling fast.
The wait from Hubby getting the news to him calling me felt like an eternity. I sat in a brown recliner in our den and stared at a blank tv. I can even tell you how every piece of furniture was set up that day. I can tell you the #s were playing upstairs having the time of their lives as I sat in the den...waiting. And then the call came.
Funny thing is, I don't remember much of the conversation that Hubby and I had that afternoon. I heard cancer a few times. I heard surgery. I heard fastest growing. But the word going over and over in my head was "cancer". Why did Hubby have cancer? What did we do for him to get cancer? Did we eat wrong? Did we say something wrong? Were we supposed to learn patience? I'm not praying for patience. Were we supposed to learn trust? Comfort? Broken? Whatever we were supposed to learn, I wanted to learn it right then and there so we didn't have to go through this. I didn't ask for this. We weren't ready for this. We've got three boys and I don't want to explain this.
So yes, I was extremely selfish. I cried all afternoon. I wanted to hug Hubby and look at his face and then I wanted him to say "just kidding" or "you're on candid camera". I was facedown on the recliner at one point bawling my eyes out as the #s came downstairs and questioned what I was doing. Well I wasn't going to tell them by myself. So I had them at the table...playing with play-doh until Hubby got home.
Hubby sat at the table with the #s and started telling them what was going on. #1 was so worried about Hubby dying. I lost it. I can't do this by myself....I need Hubby. I want Hubby. I cannot do this without him. I wanted to push those words back in #1's mouth and make him eat them. And then I remembered....he's just a child...a ten year old child...and he's afraid of losing his dad.
#2 kept talking about not using the same bathroom that Hubby uses...and that he won't sit on the same place on the couch...and he will make sure that Hubby gets his own place and he won't take it. It was heartbreaking to hear cuz #2 was scared that he would catch it....catch cancer. You've got to remember that he's 6 years old...and very frightened of this entire situation.
And then there's #3...who said nothing. He played with the play-doh and sometimes looked at Hubby as he spoke. We still don't know what he was thinking or how he was taking it. He was almost five years old and we were introducing cancer to him and he was listening to his brothers talk about losing him.
What happened next was a blur of doctor's appointments, tests, tears, phone calls, and prayers. Our friends and family watched the boys for the next few days while Hubby went from one appointment to another. I remember walking into a waiting room with Hubby, holding hands, and seeing "the look" from the lady at the front desk. I lost it. I didn't want to see that look...and I certainly didn't want Hubby to see it. Everybody was quiet and somber. It was terrifying. When we were called back, I couldn't stop crying...and the doctor came to me and said "he's going to make it...we'll make sure of it". The doctor then talked about his belief in God and how he's got a kiddo with special needs and there was a calming feeling...almost like God picked that doctor, gave him a million things in common with us and blessed him with a sense of knowledge about this horrible thing called cancer. And you know what? God DID do that. I fully believe that God put this man in our lives to further the testimony of our family. Not the way I wanted my testimony to go, but at this point, I really don't need to be makin' plans since they don't go my way. ;-)
Fast forward to the Monday after we found out on Wednesday that Hubby had cancer and Hubby is in surgery. You'll never believe the outpouring of love from friends and family....and our precious church. I mean, I've never seen so many pastors break the "only 2 in a room" rule in my life. It was certainly a comfort to have them pray, laugh, and listen. Surgery was a success! Radiation was a success! And now we are celebrating year 3 being cancer free.
What did I learn July 17th, 2013? That it's okay to be scared. That when I let my guard down just a little, my #s see me at a level that sometimes they need to see me...they were so scared and they needed to see that I was scared too....and that Hubby was scared. I learned that cancer just picks people....it doesn't care what color you are, what you do for a living, how much money you have, where you live, what car you drive, how many children you have, how tall you are, if you have a family, if you're happy, sad, confused, anxious....cancer doesn't care.
So as I write this three years later, I know how blessed I am to have my Hubby with us today. I'm blessed that my family bonded in prayer, tears and laughs as we struggled through the dreaded disease of cancer in our life by numbers!
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Thanks for reading and commenting! God bless you!
Grace and Peace,
Kelley