There are a lot of things that I love to do....I love to be with my family...I love to teach children music...I love to sing...I love to teach kiddos about Jesus...I like to organize...I like to clean...I like to be at home...did you notice the difference? Love versus like? Ponder that a minute....
I am loud. I can be obnoxious. I am a Type-A personality. I am passionate about things I believe in. I will fight for my family. I can hold grudges. I am dedicated to my very small group of friends. I believe in miracles. I have a completely low, below ground level, negative self esteem. I am not a morning person. Yeah, you read that correctly. I started to try to change myself since I was sixteen years old....trying to lose weight, changing make-up techniques, changing clothes a million times before I went out anymore...it's been an emotional roller coaster since high school. I wanted to "fit in"....but didn't really know where to fit in cuz I was friends with all kinds of people. All kinds of people that seemed confident in themselves.
So when I couldn't ever get comfortable with myself and what I looked like, I threw myself into whatever I was passionate about at the time....and music was always one of those passions for me. I became that loud, crazy music teacher...one that put so much time and energy into making sure her room was full of fun (and perfect), that I kinda pushed myself to the side. I didn't worry about what I wore because those loud, crazy colors that I put in my clothes covered the sadness.
And I'm sure I wasn't the easiest person to live with (do I hear Hubby shouting "amen")...I needed constant assurance that Hubby loved me. I would ask all the time. I would ask what I looked like in the clothes I was wearing. I dyed my hair a different color. I changed just to see if I would eventually find what he loved the most. And when we argued, I would ask for days if he still loved me. I mean, seriously...who can live with that and be happy!?!??!?!? I needed for me to be happy with me.
Then something hit me a few years ago...I decided I was going to do something about me. I decided to ask my elementary friend about what in the world she was doing to not only lose weight, but to be happy. And that's when she introduced me to Advocare. Of course, I thought this was going to be another roller coaster diet that I had already been on, but something was different...and that difference was me. The Type-A, passionate, dedicated woman came out in me and I decided to jump in with both feet. And I did. And I worked it. And it worked. So here's the truth....here's the part of me that wants to get down and cry...but here are my differences...
...you might not can tell a difference...but that skirt was hiding a lot of "stuff" cuz I felt so uncomfortable wearing pants on stage that day. And if you know me, I can't stand to wear skirts...but I had to...I needed to...it was easier to hide everything. And now? I LOVE to dress up in costumes and I can cuz I can fit into a regular adult size costume now.
Have there been ups and downs? Absolutely. But I keep at it because I know it works. I feel better. I feel more self confident. Will I ever be that 120 pound model? No. Would I like to be? Uh, yeah...but I'm beginning to be a lot more self confident in who God made me instead of how I think He should made me.
Fast forward to last year when I was combing the beauty products at Meijer looking for something to get rid of my wrinkles around my eyes. I mean, with my big and bold personality, I called them smile and laugh lines, but they were starting to make me feel like I was looking older than I really was. People told me about all kinds of things to try...do you know how many Pinterest "beauty help" pins there are!?!?!? So I jumped in with this thing called Rodan+Fields. I'll be honest, I wasn't thinking anything would really work, but this friend kept saying that it would work and she gave me a discount in buying it and told me I could send it back if it didn't work in 60 days. I thought "for that price, I better be able to send it back". When I got this box of stuff, there was a sticker that told me to take a picture before I started. WOW! These people are pretty self confident that their product was going to work...to make me look better. So I took a picture of myself and was like "awwww....I'm liking that picture....I might use it as a facebook profile pic". I took a picture 30 days later and was straining to see the difference. I kept thinking that I knew this wasn't going to work and I need to focus on other things instead of making myself look good. I mean, how vain can I be?!?!?!? And then I took my picture at 60 days...ready to send this junk back...and then I saw my differences...
And then I did something else...something that changed me for the better...something that changed me on the inside...something that changed my heart...I started reading the Bible. I don't mean devotionals (though, those are amazing)...I mean, I started at Genesis 1:1 and I read every night. It started to calm me. It started to comfort me. I read about all the people in the Bible and how they were far from perfect, yet God loved them. I read about how people complained that God didn't do this or that for them, but God took care of them. I also realized that God didn't get into specifics about how people in the Bible looked...the focus is not on their physical appearance, but their heart. I read how God makes people in His image...and I need to realize that God made me. He took the time to make me just the way He did from my eye color to my pinky toe. I also realized that I can work on myself. I can and need to focus on myself at times so I can be a positive person and not someone with such horrible self-esteem that lets their appearance overtake what I was truly created for.
I always said I wasn't going to be the mom that focused on what her kids look like. But they have heard me say things about my self over the years, that I see my negative self-esteem in #2. The last few months, he's complained about his weight and how he needs to exercise to be skinnier....and that kid is the most active thing in this house other than the ceiling fans. It breaks my heart. It truly makes my heart ache to hear him sound like I did when I was younger. My goal is to show him that God made him...and even though he needs to take care of himself (like we all do), he is made in God's image....beautifully and wonderfully made.
So why do I write this? To sell it? Sure, if you're interested you can always contact me. But I really wanted you to see me...the real me. The "I'm not perfect" me. The "life isn't always happy" me. And I wanted you to see what really changed me...it wasn't just deciding to join forces with some products that are amazing...but it was realizing that I needed to spend a little time on me. I was hiding behind changing my looks all the time and wearing clothes that were louder than my mouth...I thought those things would make me happy. But when I dove into God's word and read about so many people that were broken by their choices or other people, I realized that God didn't focus on their physical appearance and I didn't need to spend my life on my physical appearance either. I need to focus on being comfortable with myself....of course, I write this after using sunless tanner so I won't be so pale for church camp....baby steps Kelley, baby steps (that means I wrote this in July and STILL didn't feel comfortable until NOW to actually post this). Did losing weight help me feel more comfortable? Absolutely. Did I need to lose weight and do I still need to? Yes. Did losing the dark circles under my eyes make me take make-up a little less serious? Well, I'm not buying the new and improved cosmetics every time they come out, so I'd say that's a win. But I also realize that my body is the one thing God gave me since birth to take care of...and I struggle at times with that. But I feel so much better knowing that God made me....and He loves me....and I am made in His image...an image that He wants me to nurture....and I can always look to Him for help and He will comfort me and guide me in our life by numbers!
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Thanks for reading and commenting! God bless you!
Grace and Peace,
Kelley