I Hate to Apologize.....

......I also hate the word "hate"...but I'm sure that's for another blog.  So....let's start over...I really don't  like to apologize.  When I think I need to apologize for something, I usually come up with a million reasons why I shouldn't have to apologize and why the other person is wrong.  But then I started watching the #'s arguing and me making them apologize....
Me:  Tell him you're sorry for hitting him.
#3:  I'M SORRY!  
Me:  Say it nicely.
#3:  I'M SO SORRY!
Me:  That's not very nice.
#3:  CUZ I'M NOT SORRY!  I'M NOT SORRY THAT I HIT HIM....I LIKED IT! 
Me:  But we need to learn to forgive each other.  When you say that you're sorry, that is a chance for you to think about what you have done and be sorry and it gives him a chance to practice forgiveness. 
#3:  I'M SORRY THAT I LIKE TO HIT YOU.
...I mean, we're getting there, right?

I've also come to see that with the teaching and with working with children in church, I've had to apologize....sometimes over something that I have absolutely no control about like....I'm sorry they haven't had a good morning or I'm sorry that you don't want to go to class or I'm sorry that they don't like their songs....and sometimes it's big like...I'm sorry that it's been a rough day or I'm sorry that you don't understand math.  And those seem so small, but they are big to those little precious kiddos that I see all the time.

And then last week, I won the "Worst Parent of the Year" award.....I saw #3 walking down the hallway with tears in his eyes......I saw his teacher and she said that he didn't bring in his signed reading log and he couldn't eat in the classroom.  I waited for him to start eating and then I walked into the cafeteria and he just lost it.  After a few tears......
Me:  I'm really sorry that I didn't sign your paper (apology).  With three kiddos, we have to make sure that you bring me everything when we sit down to go over your day (giving blame back to him).  Maybe you can bring me your papers as soon as we get home instead of in the morning (more blame to him...did I even apologize?!??!?).
#3:  It's okay.  
Me:  I really am sorry.
Friend:  You know #3.....sometimes parents make mistakes.  They still love you, but they just mess up sometimes.  She just didn't sign your paper, it's not the end of the world.  She loves you #3.  
#3:  (cue the tears)  I love you mommy.....I forgive you. 
....are you kidding me!?!??!  A seven year old just told #3 to forgive me.....and I could tell that #3 was really forgiving me.  Seriously!!!?!!?!!??  A seven year old gets it....why doesn't this 38 year old get it?  I mean, I couldn't even apologize without turning it back on how it was #3's fault in the first place.  I've got to be more deliberate when I apologize.....maybe even at times actually mean it.  Instead of flippantly saying "I'm sorry", maybe I need to dig deep into my heart and take the lesson from #3's friend......to really lay it out there about why I'm sorry instead of just saying those two words and moving on.  And then I have to realize that when people just say the two words to me, well, maybe I just need to let it go and learn the lesson from #3 when he forgave me.  Boy, I've got a LOT to learn in our life by numbers!