Barbie Dolls

There's something that you're gonna have to know about me if you're going to continue to read my blog.....I'm tough on the outside, but I actually do care about what people think about me.

Yes folks, it's true....in this messy, worn-out, frustrated, mom body, there is a heart...though sometimes can be very cold, is also very fragile.  I'm a hard nut to crack at times.  I'm completely over the top.  I'm funny.  I'm obnoxious.  I'm independent.  I'm creative.  I'm organized.
BUT.....
I want to make sure that nobody hates me.  I want people to smile.  I want people to like me (but I don't want to change for them).  I also go through a million outfits every morning to make sure I don't look too comfortable, too sloppy, too frumpy, too fat, too whatever.  I worry about my hair.  I worry about my make-up coming off.  I worry about being so frustrated that I'll cry.  I worry about my kiddos (my school kiddos) at night when I pray for them.  I worry that I'm not the perfect mom.  I worry that I'm not the best wife.  I worry that I will give "pastor's wife" a negative name.

I picture myself sitting on a sofa and all my blogger friends are asking me "where does this stem from"....so I'll tell you....
Barbie.  Yes, it's true.  I LOVED playing with Barbie dolls when I was a little girl.  I had so many of the Barbie dolls and knew them all by name.  I'd change their clothes and change their careers more times than I blinked.  I had certain Barbies that I played with in the bathtub, other Barbies that I cut their hair, one group that had those different kind of arms and legs that the fuzz of the carpet always got on and made them dirty (they usually went in the tub), and then the perfect Barbies.

Curse those perfect Barbie dolls with their perfect hair, painted on smile, perfect perky boobs, and feet that could always wear the most dazzling shoes (or at least the ones that the dog didn't chew up). I remember trying to fix my hair like her, wear the clothes that she wore and just looking at the Barbie thinking "I can't wait until I grow up and look like that".

I remember thinking that my nose isn't quite like Barbie's.....so I was consumed with trying to make my nose look smaller.  I tried all kinds of make-up tricks on my face.  I also remember trying to go on numerous diets and took all kinds of diet pills so I could have that skinny waist.

And then one day I woke up and realized that BARBIE ISN'T 5'2".  I realized I WAS 5'2".  Something isn't adding up.  Then I realized all sorts of things like...
my hair doesn't stay the same after I fix it
I don't have a permanent smile
I hate high heel shoes
I've had three kids....not even gonna get to the rest of my body
....but there was some obsession.  Even though I knew I couldn't look like Barbie, I needed to look better....feeling better wasn't good enough.

So I've gone through this my entire life (I'm guessing some of you might be able to relate).  I look at my clothes over and over every morning and always ask the #s what they think (they will be brutally honest).  I check my hair in the mirror a million times a day just to make sure that there is no flatness on my head.  This is a daily thing....but the thing that got me was this past weekend.....

We went to see my parents/grandmother this weekend since Mimi (my grandmother) is now in an assisted living home.  Before I go on, I need to tell you that I LOVE my family with ALL of my heart, but this lady is the one that picked out my clothes when I was growing up, told me how my hair needed to be cut (there was a really bad mullet stage that she swore was the "in" thing that I had to go through), told me how much was too much make-up, and would tell me in a heartbeat if she didn't like something......okay, continuing.....so I'm going through outfits a million times and finally pick one and made sure that everything is okay.  And then I realize it.  The worst part of the trip is yet to come....

MY GRANDMOTHER HAS NOT SEEN MY CURLY HAIR!!!!!  I am in a panic to make sure that it looks perfect.  I've got so much junk in my hair that I could go out in a tornado and it wouldn't move.  We drive down to Tennessee, get to the assisted living home, and I'm looking in the mirror more than a model about to go down the runway.  My grandmother looks at me and says "well, you got your hair all chopped off".  I had no clue how to take it....does she like it?  Hate it?  Can't see it?  She mentions in again at lunch....."I see that it's really curly".  I'm just bracing myself.  Any moment the words will come out about how it looks.  I'm ready.  I'm truly ready.

The rest of the day she would just comment on it.  Saying things like "it's short", "it's curly", "who does it", "does Hubby like it", "do the children like it", etc.  The Barbie mentality is now in full force....I'm too fat to wear short curly hair....she's sees all the gray....the clothes aren't good enough.....where's my smile.....".  No one else is picking up on my panic attack....but it's there and I'm in full blown "this would be a great time to see a psychiatrist and pick up some medication" mode.

The day ended....there was no comment.  I replayed each conversation with my grandmother in my head on the way home.  Did I miss something?  Has she changed that much?  Did she not like it and just isn't telling me?  Why am I doing this to myself at 38 years old?  How can I not make my #s feel like this when they are 38?

So I called my grandmother this week to check on her.....
Me:  Hi Mimi!  I wanted to see how you're doing in your new place....
Mimi:  It's going well.  I meant to tell you something this weekend.
......you can start the hands sweating, head pounding, heart racing "here it goes" segment.....
Me:  What is it?
Mimi:  It's about your hair.  I absolutely love it!
Me:  Well....wait...what?!?!?!?
Mimi:  I love it!  It makes you look so much younger!  You need to keep it curly!  It looks beautiful on you!

.....and then cue the thinking......
Makes me look younger?
How old did I look before?
Did I need to do something years ago?
How old do I look now?
Should I color my hair?
How could I look 29 again?
So if I lose more weight how old will I look?
Should I try new make-up?
How does this curly hair make my nose look?
.....and that, my friends, is the way my brain works in our life by numbers!