I Do Not Hate You....and I Never Will....

This precious #3 has had an incredibly rough day.....and I bet not one person noticed it.  Why?  Cuz he won't tell a soul...not a single, solitary soul....that on the inside, he was breaking down.  Instead of slowly leaking out the feelings during the day, he waits until 3pm.  Why 3pm?  That's the time when he's with his family.....and can show his true emotions.

In the car......
Me:  How was your day today?  
#3:  My day was changed.  
Me:  What do you mean "changed"?
#3:  We did science and instead of our Daily 5 in the morning, we did it in the afternoon.  
Me:  I'm sorry your schedule changed....think of it as a surprise.  
#3:  But it wasn't a surprise.  A surprise should make you happy.  This didn't make me happy.  It ruined my entire day.  I don't get it.....Daily 5 is in the morning.  It's always in the morning.  
Me:  You have got to learn that school doesn't stay the same.  Things change.  I changed things today by having chairs so they could play recorder.  I also changed the volume on the screen and made it louder so they could hear while they played.  I change things all the time.
#3:  AND I HATE IT!!!!!  I HATE THAT YOU HAD CHAIRS IN YOUR ROOM!  I HATE THAT YOU WEREN'T IN YOUR ROOM THIS MORNING WHEN WE WERE PLAYING!  I HATE THAT YOU CHANGE THINGS TOO!
.....that took a sudden turn towards hating me....not what I was expecting.

After lots of yelling from #3 and then laughing and then crying and then silence, we pulled into the driveway.  I turned around and saw that #3 had smashed his project that he brought home to pieces....
Me:  What did you do?
#3:  (sobbing) I don't know.
Me:  How is your project broken?
#3:  (sobbing)  My brain told me to do it!  I HATE MY BRAIN!!!!!  
......I remain calm.....I've learned that if I don't, things get worse.  I'm speaking to #3 in the most calm voice I could possibly have at the moment.  My insides want to cry.  My arms want to reach out and hold him.  My fingers want to wipe the tears from his face.  But I sit.  I still have my seat belt on and I'm talking calmly......
Me:  #3, I'm going to get out of the car now and go inside.  
#3:  You hate me!  I broke my project and you hate me!
Me:  I don't hate you.  I'm disappointed that we can't show off your project in the house right now, but I don't hate you.  I never have and I never will.  
.....and then I proceed to get out of the car.  I get my stuff and get #3's stuff.  #1 and #2 have already gotten out of the car and gotten all of their belongings.  They know the drill.....silence and avoid eye contact.  It makes it easier to not bring everybody into the meltdown.  At this point, you let the one family member that's already involved fend for themselves....the rest of you run, run for the hills!!!!  They've learned a lot in the last seven years....they truly are the best big brothers ever to #3!

Hubby:  Where is #3?
Me:  He's in the car....crying.  Just make sure he doesn't run.  
......and so my sweet, sweet Hubby goes to the door to check on him every so often.  And at one point, #2 was worried enough to check on him, but eventually gave up.  Hubby ended up getting #3 out of the car by playing with the door locks and trying to take his mind off of the chaos inside his brain.  That's what we do.....we talk about seashells on the ceilings, mushrooms on kites....anything crazy to flip that switch.  It worked!  #3 came in the house crying and we talked.  I held his little baby hands as he cried and told me he didn't want things to change and he didn't want his project broken and he wanted to stop crying, but couldn't.  Poor precious child just wanted to be held at this point.  His hands rubbing my face as tears are rolling down his cheeks.  His heart pounding as I hold him tight.  I want to cry, but I know it will make it ten times worse....I don't want him to think that he has made me cry.  I will not do it.  I start biting the inside of my cheek.....anything to stop the emotion.  I cannot let him think that he has disappointed me or we will go back to ground zero.

I don't want to cry because he hates change.  I don't want to cry because he smashed his project into pieces.  I want to cry cuz he hurts.  He tells me all the time that his brain acts crazy and he doesn't know what to do about it.  He knows that at 3pm, he starts hurting the ones he loves because he knows we'll love him no matter what he says or does....and we will.

And as I finish writing tonight, I look at the little child that is sitting on the couch playing games on the computer.  I hear him laughing.  I see him concentrating on his game.  I see brilliance.  I see one who has overcome a battle inside of him tonight.  I see a child of God.

So tonight, I write with a heavy heart.  A heart full of love for a child that hurts inside.  I don't write for pity....I don't need pity.  #3 doesn't need pity.  Our family doesn't need pity.  I write to relief my head of the chaos that I have to hold in while this is going on.  I write to later show #3 how far he has come in his life.  I write to show how much our family has grown through obstacles that are beyond our control.  I write to show how God has blessed us tremendously with a family that loves through thick and thin.  I write to let you know that we could not do this alone and that God has been the One we look up to as we tackle the obstacles in our life by numbers.