Gonna Get Real

Now I'm about to be real.  When I write "real", I mean, I'm gonna tell you some things and you're gonna think one of two things:
1.  I can't believe she's a Christian.  I really can't believe she's a pastor's wife.  She's going to hell.
2.  WOW.....She's being real....I can't believe she's a Christian.  I can't believe she's a pastor's wife.  She's going to hell.
....so do you see the similarities?!?!!?  I had a friend say that I'm "like Jesus" (she was joking) and after the laughter wore off, I got to thinking.....we hold people high on a pedestal....so high like we can't even touch them, but yet, we judge them so harshly when they fall.  Think about it.....musicians, actors, politicians, even pastors.....we hold them to such a high extreme and yet, when we find out something "wrong" with them, in our eyes, they fall to their death never to be able to grasp the edge of the cliff that would bring them back to our level....normal people level....an even playing field.

And with keeping it real, I'm just as guilty about letting these people, that I've put on a pedestal, drown in an open sea when they do something that I feel they shouldn't do.  When the whole "Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt divorce/cheating/whatever" came up, I was totally Team Jennifer and didn't care about seeing Brad or Angelina in any movie they'd ever do again.  Fortunately for Brad and Angelina, I'm not a big movie watcher and I'm sure that my $12 movie ticket cut means nothing to them.

I feel like all my life I've looked at people in a light where they should be held up with a halo around their head and when something happens and their halo falls off, I'm devastated....never to trust again. I'm sure these people have no idea that I put them so high on a pedestal, but I did and it hurt when they fell.  So when my friend said that I'm "like Jesus", I thought to myself "what a great idea for a blog where I can air all the crappy things about me and if people still like me afterwards, then maybe our friendship can last through time"......or at least until you jump off your pedestal and I won't be able to handle you anymore.

So here it goes friends.....I'm sure there are many more you can think of, but I'm really just hitting the high points right now....I'm sure we could all make a list of what's wrong with me.....

1.  I'M LOUD.  Yeah, you heard it here.  My parents weren't really loud and my grandparents weren't loud, so I don't know where I get it from....unless it's because everybody was so dang quiet around me.  I have a loud voice.  I'm not shouting all the time, but it may sound like it.  Yes, I'm sure it gets on your nerves, but that's just me.  Most of the time, I won't even need a microphone and if I have a microphone, it's very hard to learn how to be quiet when you're loud like me all the time.  I'm loud when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated, angry, excited, just talking, getting ready for bed, baking, when I'm talking to myself....you name the time, I'm loud....and I can't help it....and it's not gonna change.

2.  I never will be happy with the way I look.  I lost 50 pounds about 5 years ago....and I still complain about my weight.  I hate the way my arms look (I mean, these upper arms are HUGE) which means I don't like to wear short sleeves.  My butt is too big....my high school kiddos at PHS used to call me J-Lo....and at one time, that was the "in" thing.  I don't like my nose.  I have short stubby fingers....and can't reach an octave on the piano without stretching them like they're doing yoga.  I have no "thigh gap" cuz, well, face it, I like to eat.  There's this chunk of fat that I'd like to saw off from my tummy that I can't get rid of after three c-sections and four other surgeries....no matter the exercise.  When people compliment and say "you've lost weight"....I'll say "I'm trying" whether I am or not....cuz let's face it, I'm always trying.  I refuse to wear shorts cuz my calf muscles (I mean, I can say muscles, but they're just calves) are big.  There are things I like....I love how big my eyes are and I like my crooked smile.

3.  I don't cook.  Seriously....not a joke.  Hubby is the cook and he's very fabulous at it....and for the sake of our family, we need to keep it that way.  I have literally boiled an egg for two hours until I was told that I had to peel the egg in order to eat it.  I'm pretty sure that Hubby and I were dating at that time, but we could have been engaged and I'm sure he was cringing when he told me about the egg.  My #s love how I make cereal and sandwiches....and the rest is up to Hubby.  I see the disappointment in their eyes when I tell them Hubby has to work late or has a meeting....they know they aren't going to eat well that night.  I have no desire to cook.  I don't like it.  I don't care for it.  I get no satisfaction out of it.  I grew up on oatmeal, scrambled eggs and tv dinners.....I'm sure they don't want to go to that.

4.  I worry...all the time...about money.  We could have a million dollars in the bank (seriously, we don't....I'm a teacher) and I'm gonna worry about money.  Hubby and I are working on getting completely out of debt and even though things are paid and other things are paid extra to get out of debt, I worry.  I check our account multiple times a week....maybe even a few times a day....to make sure things have been paid, nothing has been taken, and we have money that in case Hubby has to work late, I can take the #s out to eat.

5.  I am super-ugly competitive.  It's absolutely horrible and makes me look ridiculous.  I'm not just talking about #2's football games and a couple of soccer games here and there....I'm talking about competing with others and myself at every turn I get.  I want to outdo EVERYTHING!  The week of my elementary Christmas music concerts, I was thinking about next year and how it can be bigger and better.  This translates all throughout my life.....children's ministry, work, family, singing, cleaning, dancing, teaching....it's totally out of control.  But if we're talking about sports, that's pretty ugly too.  I don't see kiddos on the field or court, I see the enemy.....I see my #'s enemy and I want them crushed.   It's sad really.....

6.  Lazy.  Yeah, sounds like I'm contradicting myself....and I am....but when I'm on the couch watching tv, I get the #s and Hubby to do everything for me....start the dryer, get a tissue, pour a drink, take out the dog, hand me the remote.  It's pathetic.  I could justify it with I don't get to sit down and take time for "me" much....but it's truly cuz I'm just lazy and don't want to get off the couch and out from under the warm blanket.

7.  I make everything a joke.  I'm sure I have a therapist in the near future that will say that I'm suppressing my true feelings and so I hide behind humor to mask how I really feel.  Hubby had cancer....I joke about it.  #3 diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome....I joke about it.  #2 lose a game of football....I joke about it.  #1 having an anxiety issue about his latex allergy....I joke about it.  You name it, I'm gonna joke about it.  I have had numerous friends and family tell me that I'm not nice or they don't appreciate it, but I usually joke about that too.  Sometimes it's a good thing to joke around cuz there have been many "you can cut the tension with a knife" moments and when I joke, it breaks that tension.  And sometimes it's gotten me in trouble...and then I joke about that.

8.  I'm a fighter...and there is no backing down even if I've lost.  I will dig my claws into the ground to get what I want.  I can be mean about it to the point that people might be a little scared to deal with me and go the other way when they see me.  It's not pretty, but I will fight for my Hubby, my #s, my kiddos at school, my friends, and for things I have a passion about.  And I will fight to the end.....it takes a lot to have me stop fighting for a cause or a person or a passion.

9.  I trust no one.  It's scary to put trust in people and I lost trusting people around the age of 12.  It's actually quite a boring and stupid story, but it totally changed my life because it meant a lot to me at that time.  I have a few close friends, but no one I tell my deepest, darkest secrets to except for Hubby.  I will let anybody and everybody come talk to me and I'll listen to you and soak it all in, but as far as going to people cuz I need help, well, it's not gonna happen.

10.  I'm a pastor's wife.  That doesn't miraculously make me perfect.  I'm a walking testimony of imperfections.  I can't handle the "but your husbands a pastor" comments.  Yes, yes he is....and he isn't perfect either (GASP).  When I do and say things and people ask "aren't you a pastor's wife" (and that actually is said to me more often that not), I just look at them (and more than likely joke about it).  Yes, I'm married to a pastor.  But more importantly, a pastor married me!  Ha ha ha.....who's the joke on now?!?!!?!?  Seriously though.....I know there are expectations....but I'm not killing anybody or sabotaging anybody.  Pastor's wife or not, I am human.  I make mistakes from the time I get up to the time I fall asleep and if I can mistakes WHILE I sleep, I'm sure I do.  I hope and pray that I'm a pastor's wife that people can look to and think "she's real....she's got problems, I've got problems, I bet we could be friends".  You don't want to hold your pastor's spouse to a degree that you would be crushed if they fell.  You want someone that knows they have issues.  I mean, our family alone can be a testimony to anyone that has gone through:
          losing a job (both of us have)
          needing money (we all have)
          infertility (been down that road twice)
          losing children (three miscarriages)
          giving up (hard times)
          telling God no (we actually quit going to church for a while)
          moving away from family (and moving back)
          cancer (Hubby)
          children that have health problems (all three #s)
          questioning the future (still do that)
          and many, many more
....don't you want pastors, teachers, friends, family, and co-workers that have been through things to be able to speak directly into you life?  Well, friends, we have been there!  I could speak to you right about anything.....cuz I'm pretty sure if I couldn't, I would joke around about it and at least make you smile.

So there you have it folks.  Some of you might be reading this saying "she forgot this one or that one"....you're hilarious.....and I didn't forget, I just didn't want to scare anybody with more than ten things that are wrong with me.  In time, you'll be able to name more problems with me than I will.  We could make it a game....a board game...like monopoly....you could buy my problems!  Or a card game....match the problems.  So now, when you go to bed tonight, you can pray for my family....cuz they have to live with me in our life by numbers!!!!