If This Doesn't Make You Laugh, Nothing Will.....

Picture this.....#3 is laying on a mat beside our bed.  He's all snuggled in his covers, but I hear him whispering to himself.  Whatever he's saying sounds like the same thing over and over.  I look at him and his mouth is moving, his hands are grasping his head, and he's got a few tears rolling down his cheeks.....

Me:  #3, what is wrong?
#3:  Nothing.
Me:  Tell me.
#3:  I'm fine.  
Me:  Does your head hurt? 
#3:  I'm fine.....I don't want to talk about it. 

......he continues with this whispering, hands on head and tears for another minute....I finally realize that he's saying "don't say it"...

Me:  Do you remember when you shouted in class and at home?
#3:  Yes.  
Me:  How did you feel?
#3:  My brain just had to shout.  I didn't want to, but my brain did it anyway. 
Me:  So is your brain telling you something now?
#3:  Yes.
Me:  You know you can tell me and I'm not going to be mad.  I want you to feel like you can talk to me about this.
#3:  My brain wants me to say a bad word.

....my heart was beating a million miles a minute.  This was it.  This was the moment that I had dreaded since we were told by the doctor in Kosair that his tics were in fact, Tourette Syndrome.  I remember the day like it was yesterday and I wanted at this moment to go to this doctor and say "you told me only 5% of all patients with Tourette Syndrome would yell out and it wouldn't start until at least 11 or 12....or later".  I could feel my palms sweating and the tears swelling in my eyes.  I wasn't prepared for this, but I felt like I couldn't wait another moment......

Me:  Sometimes our brain wants us to say things and once we say them, our brains don't want to say it anymore.  
#3:  Should I say it?
Me:  Maybe you could whisper it.  What bad word does it want to say?

.....I felt like I could see the words come out of my mouth.  I looked at #3's precious face, those baby hands he still has, those beautiful eyelashes that he blinked when the tears were rolling down his cheeks.  What was the word?  Why now?  Where did he learn it?  What will my facial expression be like when he says it?  What is taking him so long to tell me?  And then, in the most gentle whisper....

#3:  Oh rats.

......I look at him....puzzled.  Confused.  Perplexed.  Relieved.  My heart stopped racing.  One tear made it past my eyelashes.  I smiled at this precious little boy....

Me:  Honey.....that's not a bad word? 
#3:  It's not?
Me:  It's not.  But if you feel like it's something that you shouldn't say, then don't say it.
#3:  But you're saying that it's not a bad word?
Me:  It's not. 
#3:  Good....cuz I thought it was like saying oh damn.  

......did he just say what I thought he said?  Did he really just cuss?  Where did he learn this?  Cue the heart racing, palms sweating again.  I'm pretty sure at this point my blood pressure is through the roof and I'm about to have a panic attack.

Me:  Umm.....that IS a bad word....let's go back to saying oh rats.  
#3:  So oh....
Me:  YES....THAT is a bad word.  
#3:  Thanks for helping my brain Mommy.
Me:  Anytime #3.  I love you.
#3:  I love you too.

.....and off to sleepyland went #3...and off to "what will he say next", "will it be in the classroom", "will it be in church", what word will it be" went me in our life by numbers.