Do You Ever Have a Heavy Heart?

There are times when my heart is just heavy....so many people hurting, so many horrible things going on in the world, so much hatred on earth.....if one stops to think about it all the time, you'd want to curl up in your heated blanket and never come out of your bedroom again.

But my heart is heavy, but yet, joyful at the same time.  It's pretty wild to feel this way....where one minute your heart hurts and the next minute someone says something to lift that burden and tell you that things are going to be okay....cuz God is right there.

That's why I love working where I do.....of all places to work, teachers have got to rely on a being higher than themselves.  Okay, maybe that's not true for all teachers, but I thank God that I have Him to rely on as I teach almost 1000 students each week.  I see the pain, hurt, heartache, and sadness in some of these kid's eyes that I can't imagine just thinking "oh I hope they get better"....I pray for those kiddos....and I pray for the ones that have it all together....cuz one day, they won't and I know that it will be devastating to them.

Anyhoo.....back to MY heavy heart (I mean, this IS about me, right....kidding....).....

The last week has been kinda weird with #3.  He's gotten louder and a few times, he's just screamed out.  This isn't a meltdown scream, but rather a loud noise and he continues whatever he's doing at the time.  In my heart, I knew this was the Tourette Syndrome, but I tried my best to overlook it as it's the last thing I wanted to think about...this is supposed to be a happy time of year....right?  I mean, it's Christmas time!!!!

And then reality hit me.  Hard.  #3's teacher stopped me and said that the just screamed out while she was teaching and the class turned around and were shocked.  I mean, this IS the kid that doesn't talk out of turn in class, much less scream.  And then his anxiety kicked in and he sobbed at his desk.  As she told me this, I felt the tears burning in my eyes.  I don't remember much else of what she said cuz I was in a room full of educators and I did NOT want to cry.  I remember thinking over and over "it's started....it's official.....what in the world am I going to do.....what if he starts cussing.....HOW THE HECK DOES A PASTOR'S FAMILY DEAL WITH TOURETTE SYNDROME IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERVICE...how do I help him.....how do I help our family.....how do I make him realize that this is just part of life....is it part of life".  These thoughts were racing through my head.  It was almost like I could see the tornado tearing up my brain and my little brain girl (trust me, there's a girl in there that has to put things in it's place) was trying to catch everything flying around, but it just wasn't working.  She was jumping and grabbing things, but more things would fly out of her hands.

I stopped at a friend's room and then went to my desk and tried to work....as tears streamed down my face.  I texted Hubby.  I texted the therapist.  I'm beginning to think maybe I need the therapist.....I mean, I do think there's a little girl that lives in my brain.  I went over and over the teacher's story of what happened.  I felt helpless, yet I knew that I've got to get it together....nobody wants a sappy, crying music teacher.

I talked to #3's kindergarten teacher after school....and to hear her say all the fabulous things about #3 made me smile.  She said that God has got so many good things for #3 and this is just part of him.  Why did I need his kindergarten teacher to tell me that?  I don't know....maybe I just needed someone to let me know that it's gonna be okay.  Maybe God wanted me to hear it from someone that has seen #3 grow by leaps and bounds.  Maybe I just needed God to tell me that things were going to be okay and I needed to hear it through a sister....yeah, that sounds like how God works.

So this afternoon as #3 and I were walking through the gym, I stopped.....
Me:  #3, tell me what happened in class today. 
#3:  It was an accident Mommy.  I don't know what happened.  It just came out.  It scared me. 
Me:  What came out?
#3:  A scream.  I didn't know what to do....and I cried.  I'm so sorry Mommy.  I won't let it happen again....but I don't know how I let it happen this time.  
Me:  Honey, you have something...it's something that makes you special from others.  
#3:  What is it?
Me:  It's called Tourette Syndrome....and sometimes, it makes you do things that you don't mean to do...like clearing your throat, twirling your hair....
#3:  And screaming?
Me:  Yes #3....and screaming.
#3:  I don't want this Mommy.  I don't want to scream.  Everybody looked at me and I didn't like it.  Is it going to get worse?
Me:  Maybe.  But no matter what, God gave us fabulous teachers and therapists and doctors to help you with it...it will be okay....and we'll get through it.  
#3:  I don't like it Mommy.....but I love you. 
Me:  I don't like it either #3.  But I love you too #3.  I love you too.
....and we hugged with tears streaming down our face and his face buried in my neck.  And I realized right there.....this is unconditional love.  A love that knows no boundaries and sees nothing too hard to get through.  Is it fair that MY seven year old has this?  As I tell my #'s all the time....a fair is where you ride rides and eaten cotton candy.  Life isn't fair....God never told us it would be fair...or easy....or fun all the time.  But God did say that He would be with us....and this is a hard time that He's going to get us through in our life by numbers.