Thursday, March 9, 2017

Yes, I Cussed...

…right in front of #3.  It happened Monday morning as we’re getting ready to leave for school.  We were running late, #1 forgot his phone inside the house, #2 didn’t bring the soccer stuff after being told what seemed like a million times, and the straw that broke the camel’s back was #3 going as slow as a snail and twirling around in the driveway and wouldn’t get in the car and then dropped his backpack on the wet ground…
Me:  (mumbling under my breath) Damn it.  I’ll get it.  Get in the car.

I’m not proud of it.  I don’t do it often.  I don’t cuss like a sailor (anymore).  And for the rest of the day, I felt completely guilty about it.  Things kept running in my head…
-YOU are a pastor’s wife.
-YOU are a Christian.
-If #3 heard you and started saying it, that could be his next tic…can you imagine him saying “damn it” over and over and then saying he learned it from his mother…the Christian…the pastor’s wife?
-You can’t do this…you’re a mom.
-What in the world were you thinking?
…it was this thing that haunted me all day long.  I mean all day long.  Apparently, it hasn’t gone way.

So today I decided to take a bath…
Me:  Who wants to get my bath ready for me?
#2:  I will…do you want extra cheese?
Me:  Nevermind, I’ll do it myself.

I looked at the bathtub.  It’s an ugly brown bathtub.  The shine is completely gone which makes it harder to clean because stuff just stays on it.  I’ve tried everything to clean it…spent lots of money, used lots of chemicals, nothing works.  It’s just a nasty bathtub.  I got in the nasty tub and sat there. 
I’m not a fan of taking baths.  I feel like I’m sitting in my own filth.  Dirt and germs just floating around and there I am sitting in it.  As I look, at the water, I realize the soap scum and the dirt…probably from the boys the night before (yes, I’m fairly certain I remembered to rinse out the tub before I got in).  I see a piece of fuzz and I push it away.  A few minutes pass and I see the fuzz and push it away again.  And then one more time.  I’m getting frustrated at this piece of fuzz.  Why is it in there?  Why won’t it stay away?  UGH!  I finally picked it up and put it on the side and it got me thinking…

This is my life.  I am literally sitting in my own filth not evening thinking of forgiving myself for cussing in front of #3 on Monday.  I push away thoughts and sins all the time...pushing them away as they eventually float back…as they float back to my head.  Sometimes something reminds me of those moments and sometimes it just pops in my head without any reason. 

I have other things that float to the surface…things I should have said, should have thought, should have done in different situations.  Why do they float back?  Why do they come back to the surface?Very few times do I give these things to God…like REALLY give these things to Him.  Like that piece of fuzz that I picked up…it will still be there.  How do I get rid of it?  Throw it away…let it go down the drain…flush it down the toilet…why can’t I do that with stuff that actually matters?  Fuzz doesn’t matter…but the things that come back in my head and heart DO come back.  And my head and heart matter.  I want to flush it away, throw it away, watch that thing go down the drain.  And when I talk to God about it and really listen, it actually does go away…or He gives me a way to get over it and learn a lesson from it. 

And those phrases that kept going through my head?  Well, let me tell you, those are from satan.  He is sooooo good at throwing that “pastor’s wife” and “you’re a Christian” card at me.  I wanna take that card and punch him in the face with it (maybe I need a lesson on self-control).  Stuff like that didn’t go through my head when Hubby worked at Walgreen’s…or WKU…nothing like “you’re a wife of a WKU employee” ever crossed my mind. 

So as I finished the not so relaxing bath today, I realized something…something that I already knew, but needed to be reminded of…I am STILL a Christian even though I cussed in front of my kiddo.  It’s not something that I’m proud of…at all.  But I’m gonna mess up.  I’m gonna screw up.  I’m gonna be wrong.  I’m gonna regret things.  But I’m also proud to say that no matter way, I’m STILL a child of God.  I’m never going to be perfect…and I’ll be the first to say that I’m a Christian, pastor’s wife, mother of three and I will always be…and I’ll also always be messing up in Our Life By Numbers. 

1 comment:

  1. Powerful, Kelley. We all need God's grace and mercy (more than we know) everyday. And yet He gives it so freely. God is amazing.

    Tony and Susan


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