Things I Never Thought I Would Say...Until Motherhood....

*Do not pee on your brother.

*We do not believe in the Old Testament "eye for an eye".

*You cannot swim underwater in the bathtub.

*When I say "make up your bed" I mean for you to get out of it.

*Just because everything you have on is red, that does not mean that it matches.

*I am really wanting a little bit of privacy while I use the bathroom.

*You do not need to shave your legs.

*I know you didn't turn on the lights....but that doesn't mean you can't turn them off.

*I am not your maid.

*Why are there socks in the cupholders?

*You smell worse than the garbage.

*Deodorant is your friend.

*Zombies aren't real.  Donald Trump is real.  Donald Trump is not going to make you a slave.  Go back to sleep.

*The world does not revolve around you.

*Suck it up buttercup.

*If I hear a ball bounce in this house one more time....

*Bread IS a food group, but it's not the ONLY food group.

*If you don't like the food, do not spit it back in the bowl.

*Curtains do not go on the floor....stop hitting the ball with it.

*Your face is part of your body....you have to wash that too.

*That's why we don't have any nice things in this house.

*I will win this battle.

*You may not wear just underwear and a cape to school as the book character Captain Underpants.

*Do not eat off the floor.

*Yes, I AM the meanest mommy in the world...I get a trophy later.

*I'm pretty sure that's not appropriate.

*Do not lick your brother.

*Hide if you'd like, but make sure I know where you are.

*Thank you for painting my toenails.

*The mat should not be used to slide down the stairs.

*We have zero trees that grow money in our backyard.

*That would be called dust.

*I don't like to do laundry either.....so I'll just start doing my laundry and you can do your own.  Hope you have underwear in a few days.

*You were not raised in a barn....close the door.

*Girls can do all things guys can do....except pee standing up.

*You got your moves from your dad....that means stop dancing.

*Are you aware that I am the parent and you are the child?

*I am not coming to look at what you've done in the bathroom.

*Yes....I have my own soap and my own shampoo...so will your wife...I'm teaching you now.

*Stop listening to your friends....they know nothing and make stuff up.

*If you ever change a password on this device, you will never see an electronic device for the rest of your life.

*Pick a costume to wear so we can go to the store.

*I am not peeling that dead mouse off the baseboard....we'll leave it for Daddy.

*My car looks like the playroom.

*There are some things adults just get....a frosted lemonade from Chick-Fil-A is one of those.

*How do you lose a shoe?

*Your clothes are on backwards....and inside out.

*There WAS color tv when I was little.

*This is where the tv remote lives....right here....not in your hand, not in your room, not in the bathroom.

*You don't need the remote to poop.

*Do not ever jump from the loft onto the couch.

*We do not swing our brother from the top bunk bed with a sheet for him to hold on to....don't do it again.

*I love you so much....now get to bed.

*It is not a competition to see who can argue the most.

*Do you have to start an argument?  I mean, is it worth it to start them fighting AND get in trouble?

*You are just like your mother...and today, that's not a compliment!

*We are running late....is there a reason that you are still in your towel?

*I am quite certain your teacher didn't send this homework for me to do.

*You received a compliment from your teacher today....I'm thinking about having her come over to see how you really act.

*Stop farting in my bed.

*You do realize there are multiple toilets in this house, right?

*Why is your volume from your mouth so loud?

*Grunting is not communication.

*We do not chant to get our way.

*Seriously....cut your toenails.

*You give God your best....and then me....you better give me a million times your best more than your teacher.

....and last but not least....

*Why and how did you come home from a birthday party without your shirt?  You're 8 years old and I'm not ready for your "frat party" life yet.

Welcome to our life by numbers!