Sometimes You Gotta Take It Off the Shelf

Me:  Why are you crying?  
(no answer)
Me:  #3...you do not need to go to bed upset...you'll wake up tomorrow upset.
(still no answer, but he gets up and goes to the mirror so he can look at me through the mirror)
Me:  #1 and #2...leave the room so I can talk to him.  
(they leave...#3 starts sobbing)
Me:  What is wrong honey?

#3:  They don't understand.  My best friend gave me this football and I don't want them to touch it.  My friend means the world to me and so does the gift he gave me.  

Me:  Follow me...

I lead #3 upstairs to where my collection of porcelain dolls are.  These dolls are so very special to me.  My dad used to travel a lot and one time when he came home, he brought me a doll.  I LOVED it...and from that point on, I got one every special occasion (in our house that meant birthdays/Christmas).  One year we got a piece of furniture to display them...and they're still in that today.

Also in the doll case is a special doll from my grandfather.  We called him Papa John (and yes, he DID make the best pizzas).  He never bought gifts...he left that up to my grandmother.  Well, one special occasion, he had a present for me.  Everybody was a little shocked.  I mean, this man bought nothing, but yet, he bought his granddaughter something.  I opened this doll and was in love.  The had beautiful red hair in two braided pigtails, a flower and polka dotted dress, a doily for her hat, and her face was drawn on.  Nobody had a clue as to why he bought this for me, but I was so excited and named her Christina.  I slept with Christina a lot as a kid.  And then one day, Papa John had a massive heart attack and was in the hospital for three days.  I hugged that doll like I was hugging him every night since I wasn't allowed to see him in the hospital.  And then, three days later, he died.  I remember sobbing and sobbing...and I remember the funeral and the millions of emotions that I felt throughout it.  And then I put Christina in the doll case.

I don't take Christina out of the doll case.  I've put her in a box when we've moved and when I open the box, I reminisce about Papa John, but she goes right back in there so she doesn't get hurt...so no one will touch her.  She's special...just like all those dolls from my dad.  But tonight Christina needed to tell a story.  As I held #3's hand as we walked up the stairs, I felt my heart pounding.  I opened the doll case and sat in the chair beside #3...

Me:  This is Christina.  She's very special to me because my Papa John gave her to me.  

#3:  Why?

Me:  He gave it to me as a gift.  He loved me very much and I love him and this was a gift.

#3:  Just like this football.

Me:  Yes.  Your friend gave you that football and that football reminds you of your friend.  And some things that are special, we need to put up, but sometimes those special things need to be played with.  

#3:  Like my football?

Me:  Do you think your friend would want you just to carry that football around and never play with it? 

#3:  No.

Me:  He gave it to you to enjoy.  Right?

#3:  Yes.  So maybe I should play with it with my brothers...
...throughout this conversation, memories are flooding my eyes.  I watch #3 treat Christina with such delicacy.  He looks over her hair and clothes and hat.  He rubs her face where the drawn on marker eyes and mouth are so faded that she's almost faceless...

#3:  May I sleep with your doll that Papa John gave you tonight?  

...my heart was pounding out of my chest.  Of course I don't want him to sleep with her.  She's priceless, she's the only thing my grandfather gave me.  Seriously child, I need her back in her doll case after this conversation.  But as I look at #3's big eyes red from crying and I hear his sweet voice asking, I think about Papa John...and I realize that maybe this was from him telling me that he gave me that doll, not to be put up in a case for no one to touch, but for a moment like this...a moment that ended a meltdown, a moment that I could tell that story for a reason...a reason when my child would listen because he needed it....

Me:  Yes darling.  You may....

...being a mom isn't easy.  Dealing with meltdowns is heartbreaking for all of us.  Sometimes memories aren't pleasant...but sometimes you realize that maybe Papa John gave me that doll almost 30+ years ago because of this very moment.  The very moment to calm #3 and for me to realize that I can't just put memories on a shelf.  But whatever the reason, I do know that God has His arm around Papa John right now looking down on us and saying "they're are doing pretty good in Our Life by Numbers"!

GORUCK...Why In The World Did I Do That?!?!?

A few months ago I signed up to do this thing called “GORUCK”.  I will honestly tell you that I had no idea what it was, but my friends were doing it (talk about peer pressure) and I wanted to be a part of it.  And I’m not talking about just my friends…I’m talking about my life group.  Surely my life group wouldn’t get me into something that I couldn’t do, right? 

So Hubby and I sign up and next thing we know…like a month later…the #s have a football game the Saturday of GORUCK.  Well, surely it will be an early game…we’ll go to that, drop the kiddos with family and then head to Nashville.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  And then the schedule came out…12pm.  Ugh.  I can’t miss their game…it’s the last game of the season.  I can’t do this.  They need me.  So I had a talk with Hubby…

Me:  We can’t miss their game.
Hubby:  Why don’t I stay with the boys and you go?
Me:  But they need me.
Hubby:  They’ll be fine…I’ll be there with them.
Me:  Will you pray with them like I always do?
Hubby:  Yes.
Me:  Will you keep me updated with the score?
Hubby:  Yes. 
Me:  But…
Hubby:  You’ll be fine…
Me:  And…
Hubby:  They’ll be fine…
Me:  Okay…I’m gonna do this!

It ended up that our group of 8-10 dwindled down for 4 for one reason or another.  And I kept thinking that I don’t need to do this.  What was I getting myself into?  Why in the world would I sign up for this military, exercise, walking around Nashville, wearing a backpack with as much weight as I take to school, not knowing what in the world I was doing ordeal as an all day event? 

We drive down to Nashville and I’m already nervous.  For those of you that don’t know me, I get real quiet around people I don’t know…and when I’m nervous, I just kinda turn into an introvert.  So altogether, there are 26 of us.  We’re a weird crowd to look at…all dressed up in costume, wearing backpacks.  There are men dressed up as grandmas, satan, superheroes, pirate, bottle of rum…odd group to say the least, but all nice, friendly, ready to do this people. 

After checking our bags, we were ready to go.  We started walking…and walking…and walking.  We weren’t allowed to have our phones or a watch, so I really don’t know how long we walked.  I know that people “beeped” and yelled at us all through this trip.  We stopped and did what someone called “military push-ups” and butterfly kicks and squats.  We would do all these and then at “10”, we would have to hold in place.  Oh my goodness…talk about hurt.  Then we started back walking again.  Our next stop…that seemed like miles later…we did more squats…this time holding the heavy backpack over our head…remember, there is a weight in my backpack.  Seriously…seriously?!?!?!?  We get finished with lots of those squats and then head up the stairs…yes, I said stairs.  We get to this open area and I’m thinking “we’re about to run…I can run”.  Nope.  We’re not running.  We’re about to carry someone over our shoulders.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

First of all, I do not like people to touch me…and I DEFINITELY don’t like to touch people…especially sweaty people…but that’s where we’re going.  So the good thing is that C (my life group friend) and I picked each other as partners.  Now, this is no piggy back ride…this is grab their hand, put your hand through their legs and left them over your shoulders kind of ride.  So I’m about to cry at this point…I mean, this is sooooo out of my comfort zone and I wanted to do this so bad, but I just didn’t know if I could do it.  Cadre kept saying “you can do this”…so I squatted, took a deep breath, said my verse that I said all day (Philippians 4:13) and...and I did!!!!  I actually lifted her on my shoulders!!!!  And then I looked and I had to carry her across the field…we laughed all the way across as our team cheered!  I did it!  I ACTUALLY DID IT!!!!!

So on the way back, I’m thinking I’m just gonna walk…nope…it’s time to switch partners.  Ummm….no.  The last four was me, two life group members and a guy I didn’t know.  Looks like I’m with the guy I didn’t know cuz the life group members that are left are married.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  Cadre tells him to carry me.  Seriously.  SERIOUSLY!?!?!?  I can’t stand for people to touch me…and at least I had a friend I was lifting on the way there.  And you know how it actually works…this guy is sweating and I’m just cringing.  Not that he’s mean or bad…but that:

1.     I don’t like germs…sweat is germy.

2.     I don’t like people to touch me…I don’t know him. 

3.     The combination makes my heart hurt.

He carries me across…I look at Cadre and mouth “don’t let him drop me” and he says “it’s okay…I’m right here”.  My heart is racing.  I am holding my breath.  But he makes it…and I land on my feet.  And thank the Good Lord that I’ve made it through that interesting ordeal.

Then we walked through the fountains…cuz there’s nothing like walking through water when you’re already hot and sweaty….felt good, felt cold, and now I could feel the blisters. 

As we’re walking, people are helping others with their backpacks, trading pumpkins, talking, huffing and puffing….all in costume…all happening in downtown Nashville. Oh yeah, we had to bring pumpkins to this event also…we did pumpkin bowling and near the end, we had a pumpkin carving contest.  Funny how many people brought a knife to this event…funny…and scary. 

Then comes time for the last walk to where we started….and we have to do a dance to the song “The Monster Mash”…and what does my friend do?  Call me out and say “hey, we’ve got a music teacher here”.  So on the way back, I was allowed to listen to the music and come up with a dance number.  This time FLEW BY…and I think it’s because I got to listen to music.  I mean, I felt better, had a pep in my step, I was happier.  I NEED MUSIC!!!!!! 

We get back to the park and I’ve choreographed a dance (as best I could while walking with a weight, feet hurting, been doing this for 4 ½ hours kind of dance).  The Cadre seemed pleased, the people seemed pleased and did everything I asked, and by the end…it was done. 

Our life group walked back to the car…taking off my shoes never felt so good!  I could already see the blisters, the smell of myself almost knocked me over, my head itched with dirt, my clothes were stuck to me…it wasn’t pretty.  I changed clothes in the car and felt like a new person.  We went to eat and I was craving carbs…chips, rice, bread…anything.  We headed home…and I was in the shower and in bed by 10:30pm…what a day.

I can home and wrapped by toes...boy did they hurt...and yesterday, I had an x-ray on my foot and I have a stress injury...from walking on the side of my foot (subconsciously) because of the blisters...but remember...I completed it!  I earned my badge...EARNED IT!!!!!!

So why in the world did I do this?  Why did I spend an entire Saturday walking about Nashville carrying weight?  Why did I miss the game of my kiddos last football game before playoffs?  Why did I do this to myself? 

Because…I needed it for me.  WHAT!?!?!?  Yes, I needed it for me.  I needed to do something that was for me…something didn’t include meltdowns, that didn’t include homework, something that didn’t include practice times, something that didn’t include cleaning.  I needed to do something for me.  And why?  Because I am told over and over that I am strong.  Well you know what?  I don’t feel strong some days.  Some days I feel like the weakest person in the world…one that carries everybody’s weight, everybody’s struggles, everybody’s problems.  There are days that I feel like I am crawling to get by in life.  Days that there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done and the next day isn’t looking good either.  There are days that I look at others and think “why can’t I be more like them”…and to be honest, I needed to show myself why God made me like me. 

I wanted to prove to myself that I could get through it…that I was physically strong.  That I actually could keep up with people that are strong.  That I am someone that can do something for me, yet it be completely out of my comfort zone…but I can prove to myself that I am strong.  STRONG!!!!!

So even though I was gone a day away from my family…a day where I missed games, parties, and family…I am glad that I went.  I am proud that made it through.  And I am amazed that God put me in Our Life by Numbers!