Do You Ever Have a Heavy Heart?

There are times when my heart is just heavy....so many people hurting, so many horrible things going on in the world, so much hatred on earth.....if one stops to think about it all the time, you'd want to curl up in your heated blanket and never come out of your bedroom again.

But my heart is heavy, but yet, joyful at the same time.  It's pretty wild to feel this way....where one minute your heart hurts and the next minute someone says something to lift that burden and tell you that things are going to be okay....cuz God is right there.

That's why I love working where I do.....of all places to work, teachers have got to rely on a being higher than themselves.  Okay, maybe that's not true for all teachers, but I thank God that I have Him to rely on as I teach almost 1000 students each week.  I see the pain, hurt, heartache, and sadness in some of these kid's eyes that I can't imagine just thinking "oh I hope they get better"....I pray for those kiddos....and I pray for the ones that have it all together....cuz one day, they won't and I know that it will be devastating to them.

Anyhoo.....back to MY heavy heart (I mean, this IS about me, right....kidding....).....

The last week has been kinda weird with #3.  He's gotten louder and a few times, he's just screamed out.  This isn't a meltdown scream, but rather a loud noise and he continues whatever he's doing at the time.  In my heart, I knew this was the Tourette Syndrome, but I tried my best to overlook it as it's the last thing I wanted to think about...this is supposed to be a happy time of year....right?  I mean, it's Christmas time!!!!

And then reality hit me.  Hard.  #3's teacher stopped me and said that the just screamed out while she was teaching and the class turned around and were shocked.  I mean, this IS the kid that doesn't talk out of turn in class, much less scream.  And then his anxiety kicked in and he sobbed at his desk.  As she told me this, I felt the tears burning in my eyes.  I don't remember much else of what she said cuz I was in a room full of educators and I did NOT want to cry.  I remember thinking over and over "it's started....it's official.....what in the world am I going to do.....what if he starts cussing.....HOW THE HECK DOES A PASTOR'S FAMILY DEAL WITH TOURETTE SYNDROME IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERVICE...how do I help him.....how do I help our family.....how do I make him realize that this is just part of life....is it part of life".  These thoughts were racing through my head.  It was almost like I could see the tornado tearing up my brain and my little brain girl (trust me, there's a girl in there that has to put things in it's place) was trying to catch everything flying around, but it just wasn't working.  She was jumping and grabbing things, but more things would fly out of her hands.

I stopped at a friend's room and then went to my desk and tried to work....as tears streamed down my face.  I texted Hubby.  I texted the therapist.  I'm beginning to think maybe I need the therapist.....I mean, I do think there's a little girl that lives in my brain.  I went over and over the teacher's story of what happened.  I felt helpless, yet I knew that I've got to get it together....nobody wants a sappy, crying music teacher.

I talked to #3's kindergarten teacher after school....and to hear her say all the fabulous things about #3 made me smile.  She said that God has got so many good things for #3 and this is just part of him.  Why did I need his kindergarten teacher to tell me that?  I don't know....maybe I just needed someone to let me know that it's gonna be okay.  Maybe God wanted me to hear it from someone that has seen #3 grow by leaps and bounds.  Maybe I just needed God to tell me that things were going to be okay and I needed to hear it through a sister....yeah, that sounds like how God works.

So this afternoon as #3 and I were walking through the gym, I stopped.....
Me:  #3, tell me what happened in class today. 
#3:  It was an accident Mommy.  I don't know what happened.  It just came out.  It scared me. 
Me:  What came out?
#3:  A scream.  I didn't know what to do....and I cried.  I'm so sorry Mommy.  I won't let it happen again....but I don't know how I let it happen this time.  
Me:  Honey, you have something...it's something that makes you special from others.  
#3:  What is it?
Me:  It's called Tourette Syndrome....and sometimes, it makes you do things that you don't mean to do...like clearing your throat, twirling your hair....
#3:  And screaming?
Me:  Yes #3....and screaming.
#3:  I don't want this Mommy.  I don't want to scream.  Everybody looked at me and I didn't like it.  Is it going to get worse?
Me:  Maybe.  But no matter what, God gave us fabulous teachers and therapists and doctors to help you with it...it will be okay....and we'll get through it.  
#3:  I don't like it Mommy.....but I love you. 
Me:  I don't like it either #3.  But I love you too #3.  I love you too.
....and we hugged with tears streaming down our face and his face buried in my neck.  And I realized right there.....this is unconditional love.  A love that knows no boundaries and sees nothing too hard to get through.  Is it fair that MY seven year old has this?  As I tell my #'s all the time....a fair is where you ride rides and eaten cotton candy.  Life isn't fair....God never told us it would be fair...or easy....or fun all the time.  But God did say that He would be with us....and this is a hard time that He's going to get us through in our life by numbers.

Now You're Being a Little Over Dramatic

Sundays are the days I feel like we have to have it together the most.....and it's usually the day that we're in a million pieces......

Me:  Get up.
#2:  I'm tired.
#3:  The covers are warm.
#1:  Uh?  Oh, I'm up.
....few minutes later....
Me:  Make sure you get something to eat.
#1:  Okay.....what do we have?
#2:  I'll just put it in a bag and eat it in the car.
#3:  I don't want breakfast....I want lunch.
Me:  It's 6am.  Seriously kid.....get something for breakfast.
#3:  There are no more granola bars.
Me:  Then obviously you won't be eating one for breakfast.
#3:  But that's what I wanted.
Me:  We don't have any.  Find something else.
#2:  I found a new box.
#3:  I've decided I don't want a granola bar anymore.
...few minutes later....
#2:  Can I wear shorts?
Me:  No.
#2:  But I love to wear shorts.
Me:  It's too cold.
#2:  But I'll wear some of Daddy's socks and then the only thing that will show is a small part of my knee.
Me:  No.  The end.  Find long pants and a long sleeve shirt.
#2:  You don't like me.
Me:  You're right.  I'm just trying to protect you from the cold so you don't get deathly sick and die of pneumonia...what was I thinking?!??!!?
#2:  You're thinking that you're trying to run my life.  I'm eight years old....I can wear what I want.
Me:  YOU SIR....are eight years old and I WILL tell you what to wear and you WILL wear what I tell you to wear...and if that's ruining your life, so be it.
....a few minutes later....
#3:  I can't find my pants.
Me:  #1, can you help #3 find his pants so I can finish getting ready please?!?!?!?!
#1:  UGH!  I ALWAYS have to help him find his pants.
Me:  Yes, I do remember having to ask you to help him for the last seven years of his life to help him find his pants.  I do remember that every single day I ask you to help him with his clothes.  What was I thinking?!?!?!??  I can't believe I wanted you to help out!??!?!?!?
#1:  Now you're being a little over dramatic.
....a few minutes later.....
#3:  He hit me.
#2:  I did not.....I threw a ball at you.
#1:  And the air touched me so he must have hit me too.
Me:  Put the ball down.  Everybody get socks and shoes on....NOW!  If I hear one more argument, you're going to separate rooms.
#s:  NOT SEPARATE ROOMS!!!!!!
....a few minutes later Hubby walks in from getting the bulletins from the BG church building.....
Hubby:  Hey!  How is everybody?!?!??!
#s:  We're great and ready to go!
.....and then it took me another ten minutes to finish getting ready and then we jump in the car and put on our smiling faces.  It's not like this every Sunday....who am I kidding....it's like this a few times a week....but I wouldn't trade it for the world in our life by numbers!

#1 Three Years in a Row!

.....that's my family....I'm the little one that looks like she's laughing loudly and ready to get the picture taken!  Every time I see this picture, I laugh.  I got to see this picture when we went to my parent's for Thanksgiving.  I love looking at photographs from my childhood.....I love just sitting on the floor and trying to remember what was going on at that exact moment....and if I can't remember, I like to make it up.  :-)

I had my first Christmas concert of the season this week....yes, BEFORE Thanksgiving!  I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I get at these concerts.  I am always so sick to my stomach right up until the time to start....and then it's rock and roll time.  I mean, if I really thought about it, the kiddos could be picking their nose and everybody would love it cuz they are sooooo stinkin' cute.  The kiddos did a fabulous job and there was lots of laughter from the audience while they danced.  I am so proud of how much my kiddos have learned in the last 7 weeks when it comes to music, movements, sign language.....and putting it all together!  I love being their music teacher.....I love teaching kiddos!!!!

Every year, the kiddos make a "I'm Thankful For....." paper.  No applause needed, but I'm number one on #3's paper for the third year in a row......okay, I'll take a little applause....it sure does take a heck of a lot to keep the number one spot!

So Thanksgiving means lots of food, lots of turkey, and a lots of conversations to the #s about how to act.  They don't act bad....they truly are great boys, but sometimes they have to have a gentle, but firm reminder that if they argue and cause a scene, Mommy will unleash a wrath that won't be pretty for anybody involved.  It must have worked cuz they were good for two days worth of family....and it seems that they've had a fabulous time!

For Thanksgiving with my side of the family, we had dinner with my mom, dad and Mimi.  #3 ate a few rolls, a ton of cheese, 10 pepperoni, and some fruit salad.  #2 tried a little bit of everything, but he loved my dessert.  And #1 ate three plates....yes, three FULL plates....of food.  They love going to my parent's house because they have a tub with the jets.....
#2:  I wanna take a bath!!!!
Me:  Okay.  I'll get it ready for you.
#2:  With LOTS of bubbles!!!!
Popei:  Not a lot of bubbles.
#2:  (whispering)  Can I have a lot of bubbles.
Me:  (whispering)  Of course!
.....I mean, you can't be in the tub with jets without lots of bubbles, right?!!?!!?  And it only takes tons of water and 30 minutes to get all the bubbles out for the next person, right?!??!?  And we only used 1/2 of the bottle of body soap to wash and make make bubbles in the tub....I mean it's Thanksgiving and those kiddos are VERY thankful for Popei and Jojo's jet tub!

I made this no bake peanut butter cheesecake for dessert (though I'm pretty sure #2 would have eaten it for dinner), but we were all so full that we just waited until later to eat it.  Well it was getting dark and dad had to drive Mimi back to her assisted living home.....
Me:  Don't you want you to take dessert home with you?
Mimi:  No.  I don't care for it.
Me:  WHAT!??!!?  You don't want to take the peanut butter cheesecake home so you can complain about it to me on the phone next week?
Mimi:  Yes, put some in a bowl.
....yes, I talked her into taking it home by telling her she could complain about it.  :-)

We headed to Pa and Nani's on Thursday for Thanksgiving.  On the way, #3 had a meltdown about him not being able to win a game on the iPad.  He was screaming, kicking our seats, about to throw the iPad, threw it in my hand.  His therapist has told us that when he has a meltdown, we can give him caffeine and (like coffee or an 8-hour energy drink) and it would put him on a high and then crash him.  Well, we weren't trying coffee in the car and I just can't fathom giving him an 8-hour energy drink....so we stopped at a gas station and got him a Mountain Dew.  Within 10 minutes he was calm....not necessarily happy, but the meltdown was over.  And now we carry Mountain Dew around us wherever we go.  Cheers!

We had a great time at Pa and Nani's for Thanksgiving!  The cousins had a fabulous time....we played kickball, ate more than we could possible imagine and then rested in the den....and as the tech family that we are, everybody had iPads, iPhones, Kindles....or were snoring.  And then we left those #s and headed home.

Yes, you read correctly, Pa and Nani watch the kiddos every year so Hubby and I can go Black Friday shopping!  We are extremely grateful for it cuz it's the only time the two of us can go Christmas shopping without the #s.  When the #s were little, we had to be creative when we shopped, but we could do it by having blankets in our car and one of us taking the #s to one side of the store while the other shopped.  I said it was creative, not the best.

So we left our precious #s with Pa and Nani and headed home to get our game plan ready.  The #s have asking for very little, but they are so expensive.  We started off at Toys R Us, then to Five Below, next was Best Buy, then Kohl's, and finally Target.  Hubby and I didn't get to witness anything crazy like fights, ladies moving the cart returns, babies screaming in the check-out lanes....you know, like the things we saw last year.....but we managed to still enjoy the evening.

We did get to shop for our angel tree kiddos!  We adopted three kiddos this year.  We had such a great time buying for girls.....
Cashier 1:  Awwww....you're little girl is going to LOVE this baby doll and all the neat stuff you bought with it....you got a baby doll bed, high chair, food....she's going to love it!
Me:  Oh, we have three boys....these are for our angel tree kiddos.
Cashier 2:  I think all of the baby doll stuff is on sale for 10% off today!  It's your lucky day!
.....that girl sure did bless us last night with that discount!

Hubby and I got home at 3:30am and hid all the stuff and in bed by 4am...and then got up at 8:45am, got ready and drove to meet the family at the movie theatre!  It's our annual tradition....and we happened to luck up and see a brand new movie...."The Good Dinosaur".  A few times during the movie, #2 would be crying.  He is such a tough guy, but that kiddo has a heart of gold that just makes my heart melt.

So this is the game that #2 wants for Christmas...

......I'm pretty sure that we're just teaching #2 an elementary way to play beer pong with the beer and how to trash talk tougher in sports.  I mean, seriously.....look at the way it describes this game?!?!!?  Did we get it?  Of course we did....cuz now I'm intrigued about how this is like things #2 shouldn't be doing at the age of 8 years old.  

We've been home all evening and it's been so nice.  The #s have been playing together all night and then all of the sudden #2 comes in the den crying.....
Me:  Honey, what's wrong?
#2:  I'm trying to play MineCraft with #1 and I'm frustrated.
Me:  About what?
#2:  Because #1 tells me to get a hoe....AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A HOE IS!
....after calming him down and Hubby going to help him, a few minutes later #2 comes in crying again.....
Me:  What's wrong?
#2:  Now my hoe won't work.
.....after him asking #1 to help him (nice suggestion, huh?), he finally got it and has been happy all night!  YAY!!!!

So I leave you with a picture five years apart.....

.....things sure do change in our life by numbers!

Pablo the Penguin....You Made Me Crazy!

We decided to have a little talk with the #s yesterday about Christmas.  See....a few years ago we went with "Santa gives you one gift and we get you the rest".  #3's therapist said "you are such great parents".   No, we're really not....we're actually just downright selfish.

When #1 was 3 years old, he faithfully watched The Backyardigans.  Do you remember that cartoon? It was about these friends that used their imagination and at the end they ended up going to someone's house because it was time for a snack.  Ironic that I placed #1 in front of a tv to watch a show about using his imagination, but I digress......

So #1 wanted Pablo the talking penguin.  He absolutely loved Pablo!  He would walk around like Pablo.  He would act like Pablo when he was playing.  It was a crazy obsession.  So when we walked around the toy store, #1 spotted Pablo.......

....and he HAD to have him!!!!  Try talking to a 3 year old about waiting until Christmas.....but between the tears, we did.

So Christmas morning comes around and he opens his gifts and we have hidden this Pablo so we can keep it for his last gift.  We were so excited to see his face when he opened this Pablo!  Well, #1 opens what he thinks is his last gift and he starts crying and and yelling at Santa (I'm guessing he thinks he is still in the room somehow) about how much he wanted Pablo.  Hubby and I just looked at each other.  We gave him the gift and he opened it and was so excited!  He was jumping around, screaming with laughter, and played with that thing for the rest of the day (and the days after, of course).  For DAYS, the kid kept thanking Santa for this gift.  It got more annoying as the days went by.....and I was DONE!

Hubby and I had a talk about this behavior from #1 and decided that we needed to have a new plan in place for the next Christmas.  We decided that Santa can bring one gift, but the rest comes from us....yes, I wanted the credit.  Yes, I was a little jealous of Santa getting all the praise.  Yes, as I write this I realize that I sound like two year old throwing a tantrum.  I DON'T CARE!

Since then, we have had Santa bring one gift and we've brought the rest.  They are only allowed to ask Santa for one gift.  This has been a shock to the Santas that we have visited....they kept asking "isn't there anything else you want" as Hubby and I would shake our heads no.  The #s would even get ridiculed at school when they said that Santa would only bring them one gift because that's all they asked for as their friends would gloat about how much Santa brought them.

The years have gotten easier as they are still getting gifts, but only one is from Santa.  By the end, they don't remember which gift is from Santa and they are having a fabulous day at home with their gifts.

This year Hubby and I decided to adopt 3 angel tree kiddos.  The #s are always excited to go shopping for our angel tree kiddos.  They always ask to get them more and more.....and they have the best time finding all the new toys for the kids.  So last night, we had a conversation at the table.....

Me:  We are not going to get lots of "filler" stuff for Christmas this year.  We're going to get a few things for you this year, but you've got to remember that we went to Disney last month.
Hubby:  We'll get you gifts, it's just not going to be a ton since your gifts keep getting more expensive....and you're not really wanting a lot this year.
#1:  I would like helicopter that flies with a camera.
#2:  I want a bunny.  
#3:  I want a watch.
Me:  We're not getting you a bunny.
#2:  I'm going to get Santa to get me a bunny.
Hubby:  Santa doesn't bring animals for Christmas.
#2:  My friend got a puppy.
#3:  The $25 watch that I showed you at the store Mommy.
#1:  I could fly it around the backyard. 
Me:  You're not getting a drone. 
Me:  Santa must have talked to your friend's parents about the puppy.
#2:  But I really want a bunny.  
Me:  You're not getting a bunny.  
Hubby:  We already have two animals. 
#3:  I don't know what color watch I want yet.
#2:  But a cuddly bunny would be so much fun.
#3:  I might want the blue one.....
Hubby:  You don't take care of the animals we have now.
#2:  But I will take care of the bunny.
#1:  I think I want fighting robots.  
#3:  Or maybe the green one.
Me:  Yes, we know you want a watch #3.
#2:  Then I'm going to ask for a foot massager.  
Me:  That's fine.  
#3:  I think we need to go to the store so I can pick out the color watch I want.
......I'm pretty sure we settled it, right?  A watch, a robot and a foot massager?  Right?  The funny thing is, this is it.  This is all they asked for.  They didn't come up with anything else that they really wanted.  A few years ago, their list would have been a mile long....full of stuff that even they wouldn't have looked at twice after Christmas day.  Maybe we haven't messed them up too bad.  Maybe we've gotten them to be thinkers....maybe we've helped them realize to put others first when it comes to Christmas....maybe we've actually succeeded in helping them grow up in our life by numbers!

I Hate to Apologize.....

......I also hate the word "hate"...but I'm sure that's for another blog.  So....let's start over...I really don't  like to apologize.  When I think I need to apologize for something, I usually come up with a million reasons why I shouldn't have to apologize and why the other person is wrong.  But then I started watching the #'s arguing and me making them apologize....
Me:  Tell him you're sorry for hitting him.
#3:  I'M SORRY!  
Me:  Say it nicely.
#3:  I'M SO SORRY!
Me:  That's not very nice.
#3:  CUZ I'M NOT SORRY!  I'M NOT SORRY THAT I HIT HIM....I LIKED IT! 
Me:  But we need to learn to forgive each other.  When you say that you're sorry, that is a chance for you to think about what you have done and be sorry and it gives him a chance to practice forgiveness. 
#3:  I'M SORRY THAT I LIKE TO HIT YOU.
...I mean, we're getting there, right?

I've also come to see that with the teaching and with working with children in church, I've had to apologize....sometimes over something that I have absolutely no control about like....I'm sorry they haven't had a good morning or I'm sorry that you don't want to go to class or I'm sorry that they don't like their songs....and sometimes it's big like...I'm sorry that it's been a rough day or I'm sorry that you don't understand math.  And those seem so small, but they are big to those little precious kiddos that I see all the time.

And then last week, I won the "Worst Parent of the Year" award.....I saw #3 walking down the hallway with tears in his eyes......I saw his teacher and she said that he didn't bring in his signed reading log and he couldn't eat in the classroom.  I waited for him to start eating and then I walked into the cafeteria and he just lost it.  After a few tears......
Me:  I'm really sorry that I didn't sign your paper (apology).  With three kiddos, we have to make sure that you bring me everything when we sit down to go over your day (giving blame back to him).  Maybe you can bring me your papers as soon as we get home instead of in the morning (more blame to him...did I even apologize?!??!?).
#3:  It's okay.  
Me:  I really am sorry.
Friend:  You know #3.....sometimes parents make mistakes.  They still love you, but they just mess up sometimes.  She just didn't sign your paper, it's not the end of the world.  She loves you #3.  
#3:  (cue the tears)  I love you mommy.....I forgive you. 
....are you kidding me!?!??!  A seven year old just told #3 to forgive me.....and I could tell that #3 was really forgiving me.  Seriously!!!?!!?!!??  A seven year old gets it....why doesn't this 38 year old get it?  I mean, I couldn't even apologize without turning it back on how it was #3's fault in the first place.  I've got to be more deliberate when I apologize.....maybe even at times actually mean it.  Instead of flippantly saying "I'm sorry", maybe I need to dig deep into my heart and take the lesson from #3's friend......to really lay it out there about why I'm sorry instead of just saying those two words and moving on.  And then I have to realize that when people just say the two words to me, well, maybe I just need to let it go and learn the lesson from #3 when he forgave me.  Boy, I've got a LOT to learn in our life by numbers!

I Didn't Think It Was Appropriate

....this kid made it!!!!  #3 has been praying for two weeks to God about making sure the "skin and blood taste good".  I was praying he wouldn't gag and vomit all over the floor.  Obviously, we had a different outlook on how this communion might go....

#3:  So do I put my skin at the bottom?  What happens if I drop the skin in the cup?  What if I don't like it?  How far do I dip the skin?

Me:  Whatever you do, do NOT get your fingers in the juice.  That's just disgusting.  

....he really did a fabulous job.....he went up to the front with me, got a teeny tiny piece of "skin" and dipped it in the cup.  When I saw his face, my heart started pounding....I kept thinking "if he vomits, I'll vomit and I really don't know how that will look at church"....

Me:  So, how was it?  

#3 Mom, the skin was good, but putting it in the blood was disgusting.  They just don't mix in my mouth very well.

Me:  I'm just glad you didn't gag.

#3:  I didn't think it was appropriate.  

....I'm glad he had the mindset to know that it wouldn't be nice to gag at church!

And then we have this....

.....yes, that is #3 shooting hoops at the basketball training camp.  He just kept hitting them in the net like it was no big deal.  Totally focused.  Totally motivated.  If only I could stuff that focus in a jar and bring it out for things like homework, chores, eating dinner....

I do have to brag on #1.....that teeny, tiny person in front of the white screen is him.....

.....he is speaking in front of his ENTIRE school about what freedom means to him for their Veteran's Day program.  He spoke with ease.  He spoke with clarity.  I mean, I'm about to hurl my lunch and he acts like it's no big deal.  The kid sure didn't inherit my stuttering problem!  

And I can't forget #2....even though his team lost in the football playoffs, he wanted to go cheer on his friends in the Toy Bowl.  He came back and told me ALL about the game and about how his friends won!  I am so glad that a disappointment earlier in the week can turn into such a great experience for him later in the week!  

So let me tell you what I thought was a fabulous idea on Saturday....cleaning out our house!  I'm not quite sure that the rest of my family thought it was a fabulous idea, but I've learned that sometimes if you just think and act positive, people will follow.  Or in this case, if you threaten to take enough stuff away from them, they will decide to fall in line and help so it will get finished quicker!

So we spent from 12:30pm-8:30pm cleaning out the upstairs....yes, the #'s rooms.  We moved their beds, cleaned out toys, hauled stuff up and down the stairs....it was a battle that was won last night.  We now have 10 heavy duty garbage bags full of stuffed animals that are now in storage, 3 bags of books, and 9 bags of trash.  Ridiculous?  Yes.  Finished.  Finally.  

Then Hubby and worked on our bedroom.  We have rooms that are looking great!  I don't know if we'll decide to move or not, but if we ever do, we are certainly ready!  And if we don't move, we're ready to make this a house that we stay in forever!

So I'm ready for bed....been ready since 5:30pm.  Seriously, the chaos is real folks.  I have 5 elementary programs, 5 trombone lessons to get #1 to, 10 therapy sessions for #3, 1 church singing, Angel Tree Event, basketball practices, basketball games, football party, 4 life groups, faculty meetings, all-district band competition, #3's neurology appointment, 2 Thanksgiving meals, black Friday shopping, band concert, communion service, and a drive-in at church.....ALL BY DECEMBER 19TH!  Today I was so frazzled that my underwear was inside out.  Come on people, nobody should be that frazzled....nobody.  

So I leave you cuz I'm tired.  It's 7:52pm and I'm thinking the bed is calling my name....it's very loud and annoying, so I must give in.  It's about to be sleepy time in our life by numbers!  

Barbie Dolls

There's something that you're gonna have to know about me if you're going to continue to read my blog.....I'm tough on the outside, but I actually do care about what people think about me.

Yes folks, it's true....in this messy, worn-out, frustrated, mom body, there is a heart...though sometimes can be very cold, is also very fragile.  I'm a hard nut to crack at times.  I'm completely over the top.  I'm funny.  I'm obnoxious.  I'm independent.  I'm creative.  I'm organized.
BUT.....
I want to make sure that nobody hates me.  I want people to smile.  I want people to like me (but I don't want to change for them).  I also go through a million outfits every morning to make sure I don't look too comfortable, too sloppy, too frumpy, too fat, too whatever.  I worry about my hair.  I worry about my make-up coming off.  I worry about being so frustrated that I'll cry.  I worry about my kiddos (my school kiddos) at night when I pray for them.  I worry that I'm not the perfect mom.  I worry that I'm not the best wife.  I worry that I will give "pastor's wife" a negative name.

I picture myself sitting on a sofa and all my blogger friends are asking me "where does this stem from"....so I'll tell you....
Barbie.  Yes, it's true.  I LOVED playing with Barbie dolls when I was a little girl.  I had so many of the Barbie dolls and knew them all by name.  I'd change their clothes and change their careers more times than I blinked.  I had certain Barbies that I played with in the bathtub, other Barbies that I cut their hair, one group that had those different kind of arms and legs that the fuzz of the carpet always got on and made them dirty (they usually went in the tub), and then the perfect Barbies.

Curse those perfect Barbie dolls with their perfect hair, painted on smile, perfect perky boobs, and feet that could always wear the most dazzling shoes (or at least the ones that the dog didn't chew up). I remember trying to fix my hair like her, wear the clothes that she wore and just looking at the Barbie thinking "I can't wait until I grow up and look like that".

I remember thinking that my nose isn't quite like Barbie's.....so I was consumed with trying to make my nose look smaller.  I tried all kinds of make-up tricks on my face.  I also remember trying to go on numerous diets and took all kinds of diet pills so I could have that skinny waist.

And then one day I woke up and realized that BARBIE ISN'T 5'2".  I realized I WAS 5'2".  Something isn't adding up.  Then I realized all sorts of things like...
my hair doesn't stay the same after I fix it
I don't have a permanent smile
I hate high heel shoes
I've had three kids....not even gonna get to the rest of my body
....but there was some obsession.  Even though I knew I couldn't look like Barbie, I needed to look better....feeling better wasn't good enough.

So I've gone through this my entire life (I'm guessing some of you might be able to relate).  I look at my clothes over and over every morning and always ask the #s what they think (they will be brutally honest).  I check my hair in the mirror a million times a day just to make sure that there is no flatness on my head.  This is a daily thing....but the thing that got me was this past weekend.....

We went to see my parents/grandmother this weekend since Mimi (my grandmother) is now in an assisted living home.  Before I go on, I need to tell you that I LOVE my family with ALL of my heart, but this lady is the one that picked out my clothes when I was growing up, told me how my hair needed to be cut (there was a really bad mullet stage that she swore was the "in" thing that I had to go through), told me how much was too much make-up, and would tell me in a heartbeat if she didn't like something......okay, continuing.....so I'm going through outfits a million times and finally pick one and made sure that everything is okay.  And then I realize it.  The worst part of the trip is yet to come....

MY GRANDMOTHER HAS NOT SEEN MY CURLY HAIR!!!!!  I am in a panic to make sure that it looks perfect.  I've got so much junk in my hair that I could go out in a tornado and it wouldn't move.  We drive down to Tennessee, get to the assisted living home, and I'm looking in the mirror more than a model about to go down the runway.  My grandmother looks at me and says "well, you got your hair all chopped off".  I had no clue how to take it....does she like it?  Hate it?  Can't see it?  She mentions in again at lunch....."I see that it's really curly".  I'm just bracing myself.  Any moment the words will come out about how it looks.  I'm ready.  I'm truly ready.

The rest of the day she would just comment on it.  Saying things like "it's short", "it's curly", "who does it", "does Hubby like it", "do the children like it", etc.  The Barbie mentality is now in full force....I'm too fat to wear short curly hair....she's sees all the gray....the clothes aren't good enough.....where's my smile.....".  No one else is picking up on my panic attack....but it's there and I'm in full blown "this would be a great time to see a psychiatrist and pick up some medication" mode.

The day ended....there was no comment.  I replayed each conversation with my grandmother in my head on the way home.  Did I miss something?  Has she changed that much?  Did she not like it and just isn't telling me?  Why am I doing this to myself at 38 years old?  How can I not make my #s feel like this when they are 38?

So I called my grandmother this week to check on her.....
Me:  Hi Mimi!  I wanted to see how you're doing in your new place....
Mimi:  It's going well.  I meant to tell you something this weekend.
......you can start the hands sweating, head pounding, heart racing "here it goes" segment.....
Me:  What is it?
Mimi:  It's about your hair.  I absolutely love it!
Me:  Well....wait...what?!?!?!?
Mimi:  I love it!  It makes you look so much younger!  You need to keep it curly!  It looks beautiful on you!

.....and then cue the thinking......
Makes me look younger?
How old did I look before?
Did I need to do something years ago?
How old do I look now?
Should I color my hair?
How could I look 29 again?
So if I lose more weight how old will I look?
Should I try new make-up?
How does this curly hair make my nose look?
.....and that, my friends, is the way my brain works in our life by numbers!